I had forgotten the meaning of Christmas.  I don't mean the religious version or the commercial version, but the true spirit of the holidays.  As I rushed through my days trying to accomplish everything on my "to do" list, I get caught up in the hectic pace and worrying about all the things I didn't get to.  I worry about how I'm going keep my clients happy, pay my bills, get my family the things they want for Christmas and a million other things.  Christmas didn't mean joy and peace for me.  It just gave me a whole new list of chores I needed to get done.

My inner Grinch was alive and well.  And nothing drove that home more than what happened today.  I haven't mailed out any Christmas cards or put up my tree yet.  So today, I tried to get my boys to help me get the decorations down from the attic.  After several attempts to get them moving over the course of a couple of hours, with no success, I got pretty angry and started yelling.  Next thing I know, I said "Fine, don't put up a tree.  See if I care.  We're not having Christmas!"  Yikes!  Holy Ghost of Ebenezer Scrooge!  I couldn't believe what came out of my mouth.  Move over Mr. Grinch, you've got nothing on me.  I'm going to stop Christmas from coming.

I decided to put my self in time out and think about how I got so out of hand.  I know I'm frustrated and stressed out but this was just ridiculous.  What happened to that girl that loved Christmas so?  That loved all the holidays and always wanted to dress up?  Where did she go?  How did Scrooge take over my heart and soul?

Though I tried to deny it, and even avoid it by doing some laundry, I eventually came to an AWFUL REALIZATION!  A terrible, horrible, awful truth that I had to confront. 

I had come to expect too much. 

And I don't mean that in the way people normally do.  What I mean is that I had come to expect others to share my needs and wants.  I expected others to want what I wanted.  Not just to anticipate my wants but to actually want the same things, the same goals that I wanted.  I was projecting my desires onto them and then getting upset when, for some strange reason, they didn't share my enthusiasm for that objective. 

And even worse, I realized that I had become selfish in my giving.  I was doing things for others with the constant thought in the back of my head of "what's in it for me"?   Ugh!  When did I become this self centered, demanding, egocentric, pain in the donkey?

I'm ashamed of who I've become. How far I've fallen from the person I use to be.  I miss the little girl that used to get up and check to see how many cookies Santa had eaten.  I know I can't go back, but I can move forward with a renewed sense of self. 

Acceptance means something different to me now.  It's not about accepting who I am but about accepting that I have limitations.  It's about knowing that I can't do it all and that I don't, and shouldn't, have to.  It's about accepting others for who they are without projecting my expectations on them.  And accepting the fact that they march to the tune of a different drummer (pa rum pum pum pum).

And Christmas, it's about sharing.  It's about giving freely of yourself, whatever you wish to share whether it be your time, talents or money.  To give without any anticipation or desire for recompense or even acknowledgement.  And to accept the wonderful gift that others have given us by choosing to be a part of our lives no matter how brief or flitting that moment may be. 

May your holidays be full of shared moments!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!