Are you a good bitch or a bad bitch?

Some people hear the word "bitch" and get offended, I on the other hand, wear that badge proudly. Why? Because, just like there are good witches and bad witches, there are good bitches and bad bitches. Are you a good bitch or a bad bitch? I want to set the record straight, so there is no misunderstanding. Nicole and I are bitches. But, we're good bitches, I swear. Basically, that means that if we have an opinion, we'll defend it. You won't see us patting someone's feeling on the head in a comment if they disagree with us. You won't see us laying a dissenter down on the couch to discuss how the word "spaz" made them feel or massaging our words so they don't cut so deep. No, we are who we are like Popeye would say. We have attitude, we hold to our beliefs and we won't kowtow to social media etiquette. We'll tell you the way it is whether you like it or not. But, on the flip side, we are fiercely loyal, we will fight for others, we are "anti-meanies." And that, my little Pretties, is what makes us Good Bitches.

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The Top 5 qualities of a Good Bitch

1. Stunning

A Good Bitch knows that wits and tits give her the edge, so she never leaves the house in sweat pants and never goes out on the town without her tackle bag of makeup. She is "Stacy's Mom," Gilda and Coco Chanel all wrapped into one package. Why would I place any value on female beauty? Because like it or not, pretty people get more attention. I'm not going to debate this. It is a fact, studies, science and math prove it and if you are ugly, just accept it and move on. (hey, this is a post about bitchiness, get used to it)

Read also: Fashion Tip for Female Marketers: pair a pushup bra with a brain

Resource: Do pretty people earn more?

Resource: Wikipedia entry on physical attractiveness.

 

2. Attention whore

Every good bitch is an attention whore at heart. She doesn't like to be the life of the party she NEEDS to be the life of the party. Not only does the GB like attention, she knows how to get it. She knows what sets the boys hearts a patter and what makes the women want to keep her close and under their watchful eye. A good bitch can instigate a good event that will eventually turn into a legend that everyone present retells at parties. A good bitch is almost a super hero, she is outrageous and contagious.

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3. Loved or Hated but Never Ignored

You know that saying "you either love her or you hate her?" Well that holds true for the GB. She is someone you either love with all your heart and would gladly stalk online until she tells you "you're creepin' me out dude" or hate her and wish you could kill her then bury her in your backyard and dig her up occasionally just to make sure she is really still dead. Basically, nobody ever feels indifferent to the Good Bitch. And the kicker is, even if you hate her, you still pay attention to her which kills you... and makes you hate her more.

4. Irreverent

Nothing comes between a Good Bitch and her wit, not even her Calvins (strike that, I mean 7 Jeans or True Religion because a GB is stylish). The GB knows how to tell a good story and punctuate her points with humorous one liners that make everyone within a 10 mile radius blush and chuckle, then come back for more of her special vintage of infotainment.

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5. Manipulative (I know this is a super-power, so we only use this for good)

OK, this one might be hard to explain, but a Good Bitch is a master craftsman and puppeteer. She can pull anyone's strings and get them to do just about anything she wants them to do. A GB will pour so much honey on you and threaten to lick it off that you never realize the vinegar you just swallowed. She will get her way and you'll give it to her and you'll actually enjoy giving it to her.

Bonus Trait: Passionately Loyal

Now, the truly spectacular Good Bitches. Those shooting stars among the constellation of Good Bitch that really stand out carry this singular trait. They are fiercely loyal. They protect their own, their young, their opinions and anyone else that runs in their pack even when they know that person might be wrong. They are loyal to fault and would take a bite out of anyone that messed with their homies. They are the COMMANDING OFFCERS OF THE ANTI MEANIES.

This post is dedicated to Jeff Brown (@BawldGuy) who has the most amazing BitchDar, I have ever seen. He can spot one from a mile away. He claims to have spotted both Nicole and I from 3,000 miles away. I'm telling you, this guy has a factory direct anti-aircraft BitchDar with all the bells and whistles.