1.  First Impression:  Remember, you only have one chance to make a good first impression. Why not splurge on a new fire hydrant for the front porch.  It's sure to say "Welcome - Mi Casa Es Su Casa." Once your guests are inside the front door, greet them with a pile of shoes, sneakers and dirty socks. What better way to set mood for buying than with a fragrant potpourri of foot odor?  

2.  Clutter:  Buyers love to explore and discover, so be sure to keep them interested with plenty of crap!   Pile up tons of books, magazines, TV trays, sticks, dirty underwear, Cabbage Patch dolls, flea market finds, hamster cages, empty pizza boxes and Coke cans, ripped sofa cushions, fake greenery, plastic flowers, half-eaten grilled cheese sandwiches and Easter baskets.  Let your imagination run wild!  

3.  Kitchens:  Let's face it folks, kitchens sell homes. Leave as many dirty dishes as possible and forget what you've heard about emptying the trash. The fastest way to a buyer's check book is through an overflowing garbage can!  And by all means, leave some snacks. Buyers love to nibble on kibble while admiring your ripped and torn porch screens.   

4.  Odors.  Odd and disgusting odors can often be a seller's best friend.  Buyers love to discover them in furniture, closets, draperies, bedspreads, closets and carpeting.  Ditch the Febreze and try to keep the olfactory ambiance fresh and alive while your home is on the market. Let them sniff! 

5.  Housekeeping:  A clean house is a nervous house.  Relax! Leave the carpet stains alone and let the buyers mark their territory and find their way through the clutter.  It helps give them a sense of ownership.  Think of it as an adventure in "discovery." 

6.  Bedrooms:  Give your bedrooms a ‘lived in' feel.  Leave the beds in an unmade heap, laundry baskets overflowing and closet doors off track.  The master suite should give buyers an opportunity to relax, lick, dig, itch and scratch without interruption.  If you have a dresser, leave a few drawers hanging open for interest. 

7.  Bathrooms:  Next to kitchens, bathrooms are the most important rooms in the house.  Make yours a blue ribbon winner by permanently removing the toilet seat!  If that's not possible, always leave the seat up when buyers are coming to look. They're bound to be thirsty after a long day of looking at homes. And don't forget to remove flea shampoo bottles, sprayer attachments, clippers and all reminders of BATH TIME.  

8.  Stay Away:  Try to stay away when your home is being shown.  Buyers won't take the time to jump in laundry baskets, drink out of the toilet, hop up on tables or envision the home as their own if you're present. Sellers create an uncomfortable, "stop-looking-at-me!" fish bowl effect.  

9.  Pets:  Remove all leashes, gates, kennels, rolled up newspapers, obedience spray bottles and other ‘les instruments de torture.' 

10.  Color and Décor:  Forget what you've heard about staging!  All the hoopla about neutralizing wall color and making things attractive is pretty much a waste of time.  Most buyers are color blind anyway, so don't worry about it.  Spend your time and energy creating new, revolting stains and odors.

Good luck and happy home selling!