I have doodled out my thoughts for years, but I have never kept a Diary.  I have written in a couple Journals several years ago, but they weren't really Diaries, so bear with me if this seems to ramble.  Apparently I am to write about what I am passionate about, and as always for command writing I don't know what to write. So I have to think for awhile, and organize my thoughts. Well, I finally figured out that for this Contest, on What we're passionate about that I had to dig deep into my soul to pull out the core passions that have been the foundation of all I am and have been up until now. 

 So here is what I came up with: What I am Passionate About.

Dear Diary,

I was driving today and just started thinking.  The long ride to San Diego seems to be the time when I do some of my deepest thinking, and today I was thinking about the contest on Passion, and wondering what I am really passionate about.  I know there are many things, however if I were to break them down it all starts with cat food and education. 

As a child one of my biggest dreams was to go to UCLA where my step-father went.  I looked up to him so much because of the things he knew, his vocabulary, and the stories he would tell. He went to UCLA so that's where I wanted to go.  But it wasn't in my cards I guess. 

Being a child in the 50's was not like being a child today.  I remember our first TV, black and white of course, and I remember reading.  I loved to read.  My favorite books were the Nancy Drew Series, and Aesop's Fables.  I loved to figure out things, and to try to put the moral messages of Fables into my world.  They never fit though, and so many times I would sit and wonder why Books and Real Life didn't match.  I would read the blue Bible Stories Book  (the Blue Book to me) short little stories to teach character.  I loved the stories, but they didn't match my world.  I think every Doctors', and Dentist Office I ever went to had these books, and maybe it was because if enough of us read them, then maybe life could match.

From my Childhood I learned how to put my life into my own book, authored by experience, a limited edition that only I could read.  I learned that the people that touted morals in public acted so differently in private.  I learned that one of the stories from the Blue Book about sharing and never taking the biggest and best for yourself, but to let someone else have it, wasn't how people in my world behaved.  I learned that the story about the boy that slept through the night was how I wanted to be forever.  That story told about a boy that did everything he was supposed to do, when he was supposed to so that even during the worst storm, he could sleep through the night because all was well.  All was well, never seemed to be my life though, no matter how many times I edited my own Book.

Growing up I lived in a typical middle class family, with Professional Parents, and a linage to be proud of.  We lived on a small cul-de-sac, in a brand new Ranch House with a Pool, and the newest Station Wagon with rear facing seats.  That was the family car, and my step-father had a little Sports car.  Chores were done on Saturdays, Church was on Sundays, and the other days were for school, dance and drama classes.  This was the time where my passion for education developed.  I wanted a vocabulary like my step-father, and the talent of my grandmother.  What I got was something very different, and for the past 50 years I still remember my dream of going to UCLA to get an education. I wanted to be smart.

As I am sitting here writing this I remember my 5th Grade Class when I wrote a whole play for the class to perform.  It was something about Homesteading, I have no idea really what anymore, but I remember clearly the black kettle I borrowed from my grandmother to use as a prop in the play.  I also wrote a skit for the kids I worked with in a Treatment Center over 20 years ago.  That one was a cute, fun one, and the kids, parents and Staff all loved it.  Yes I loved to write, but I never got the education I wanted.  I never published the children's book I wanted, nor did I go to UCLA.

My childhood was very middle class but my teen years were quite different.  Life is not fair, never has been and never will be.  If I was to have published anything during this time it would not have been for children.  These years were dark years for me.  That Book I wrote for myself, the limited edition, well that's where I spent my time, reading and writing to myself always trying to find someone that matched the stories in the Blue Book from the Doctors Office.  And education....I didn't like school anymore, I just liked to learn but couldn't fit both of them into my non-middle class life.  That Blue Book was my dream of how life should be.  I had now learned to judge, and no one was coming out a winner. 

Cat Food and Education, 

• I had learned to judge people,and learned that my middle class upbringing was not as open to accepting others as they appeared to be. 
• I learned that every Church said they were the right one, and yet none of them could meet my needs, and all of them had hypocrites in the congregation that acted pious but behaved very differently in private.
• I learned that Trust was elusive.....it was a word people tossed around, and some people didn't appear to  know what it meant, other than  just being another vocabulary word
• I learned to write out my thoughts with paper and pen, but to be careful with letting people in
• I learned what Manipulation meant, and that it's not always a bad thing no matter how many times someone might use it as a label
• I learned many things, but the most important thing I learned was that I had a good mind, and I didn't ever want to mess it up....I just might need it one day.

I think of everything in life that I am passionate about, and cat food and education are at the very core.  I thought a lot about this, took my mind back to the very depths of my soul, and yes cat food and education are at the foundation of everything I am and everything I do.

When I learned that life wasn't fair, I also learned what poverty was.  I had never been hungry as a child, but I sure knew many days of hunger afterward while trying to grow up.  It was such a different experience to want for food and I became obsessed that I had to learn some skills or something so I wouldn't have to eat cat food when I was older. I don't even remember how that thought became a part of my being, but it is so entrenched in my soul.....even today, in today's economy I am petrified that I have gone full circle and won't be able to meet my needs.  I don't want to grow old without being able to support myself and have to eat cat food. I just don't, it scares me.

Education....this is the other big thing for me.  Many times I have felt the pain of not finishing my Degree.  Yes, I did go back to school, and as a young adult everyone teased me saying I was going to be a Professional Student as I loved going to school.  I wanted to learn, I wanted to be smart.  But in the end, I didn't finish.  Life isn't fair, never has been and never will be. I did get all but 2 classes completed before I had to leave school again, because I had to do life.  Once again life got in the way.  No more time for dreams,  or education.  I told myself that as long as I had marketable skills that I wouldn't have to eat cat food, and I'd be OK. 

Diary.....this was a long journey down to that part of my soul where these memories are kept, and I can feel each word that I've written.  I feel every bit of what has made me who I am today....and although I don't have a degree, it's OK for now.  I still know life's not fair, but I also know that it is beautiful.  We just have to look for the good and we can find it.  I'm always amazed at what I've accomplished in my life, and the people I've impacted, and maybe in the end that's what I was supposed to do.