This is going to be a hard one to win.  I think my best stories are already posted here, so I am going to dig into the old bag and pull out a couple.

Bubba is a Millionaire

About 9 years ago I am working with an auction company out of Virginia and it is my responsibility to register the bidders for a fairly large and expensive parcel of land.  The requirement is that bidders must present $50,000 in certified funds in order to be qualified to bid.

Most of the attendees are in suits or higher end casual clothes except one guy.  I continue to check funds and register those in line and finally get to the gentleman that looks a little out of place.  He is chewing a large wad of tobacco, spitting in the dirt and has stains all over his well worn overalls.  When he gets to the head of the line, I check his registration, view and ID and ask to see his certified check, just like I did with everyone else.

I ain't got a certified check, son.

I'm sorry sir.  You need to have $50,000 in certified funds to register.

Come with me boy.

So I am being led over to an old car.  The word "junker" comes to mind.  The man has his hand on my shoulder very, very firmly.  We get to the car and the man pulls a screwdriver out of the leg pocket of the overalls, sticks it into a hold where the trunk lock used to be and turns it.  This is a relief as I was convinced that the screwdriver was going to get stuck into me!

The trunk opens to reveal about 10 doctor bags.  The man grabs to at random and opens them.  Both are full of $20's, $50's and $100's.

"Son, I would bet you that the other bags look just like those two."

"Well sir, it looks like you are bidder number 12"

One Way to Ruin a Silk Suit

Another auction story for you.  On this one we are selling a commercial building at foreclosure auction.  The debtor needs to pay the lender over $400,000 by 10am on the morning of the auction or the auction will commence at 11am.

At 10:15 the debtor shows up at the auction site.

Debtor Description - Nigerian (minister), white silk double breasted suit, driving a Jaguar.

Did I mention that we are again in Virginia which is a concealed carry state?  Most of the guys in the crew are NRA members and they are going to carry their guns wherever they darned well please. 

The debtor is screaming and yelling.  Everyone is just backing up telling him to calm down.  After a minute or so we realize that as we are backing up, we are going into a corner.  The only way out is past Mr. Silk.

Then it happens. Mistake number 1.  He says the absolute wrong thing. "If you sell this building today I am going to KILL YOU AND YOUR FAMILY" Nice minister, huh?

Did I mention the NRA and the guys I am with?

Mistake number 2.  He reaches inside the double breasted suit coat.

Everyone else reaches inside their suit coat.

Mr. Silk comes out with a cell phone.

Nobody else comes out with anything that looks like a cell phone.

To this day, I wonder if he ever got the brown stain out of that nice suit.