humor: 50 Things I've Learned Since 2007
- 02/25/11 05:19 AM
Let's face it, anyone associated with the Real Estate industry over the past few years has a story worth telling. Unwitting witnesses to the fifty car pileup that has brought gridlock upon the highway to the American Dream, we owe it to consumers and historians alike to relate our first-hand accounts of the carnage.
Or at least squeeze the sweeping financial tragedy for a few yuks.
Follow me back to the Scottsdale Property Shop to read up on the 50 Things I've Learned Since 2007.
Because life is too short not to take comfort in the misfortune of others.
… (9 comments)
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humor: Sources: REALTOR Reintegration Scheduled for Scottsdale Market in 2013
- 02/10/11 11:06 AM
Feb 9, 2013 09:45 AM Disassociative Press ______________________________________________________________________________________________________ SCOTTSDALE (DP) – A four year federal wildlife program to rehabilitate the sagging numbers of a local animal population has proven to be a rousing success, according to Slade Winders of the Department of Herpetology. Non-indigenous to the Sonoran Desert, Realtus Serpentes is believed to have first been introduced to Arizona shortly after the Gadsden Purchase in 1853 by a traveling circus on tour out of Toledo, OH. An aggressive reptilian known commonly as “REALTOR,” Realtus Serpentes wasted little time overrunning the desert terrain, specifically the densely populated metro areas, earning the apex predator a fast … (10 comments)
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humor: Agents Are From Mars, Consumers Are From Venus
- 09/25/10 11:53 AM
It is human nature to view oneself in terms of value, and others in terms of cost. This paradox is never more evident than in a business setting. No exception to the rule, Real Estate agents and consumers must coexist in an arena of disparate interests and subjective truths. In the search for common ground, full transparency is prerequisite. Let us peel back the veneer on the agent/consumer dynamic to uncover overlapping tenets of these competing psyches. Only through complete understanding of each other's motivation can we better function as one cohesive unit.
What agents look for in their clients
Buyers: … (34 comments)
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humor: All Stocked Up On Lions, Send More Christians
- 09/21/10 09:22 AM
“Good afternoon, Scottsdale. This is Paul Slaybaugh reporting live from the mouth of a saber-toothed tiger.”
“While waiting for an underwriter to emerge from the bowels of the Real Estate Colosseum to give the thumbs up or thumbs down to a pair of prostrate gladiators, we break from the action to report on the day’s proceedings.”
“With two more famished lion versus catnip-dipped slave matchups slated for the lunch hour crowd, the tally currently stands at Man: 0, Beasts: 137. Looked like Buyer #42 was going to get the humans in the win column for a few fleeting moments, but ultimately, the three-headed Cerberus of … (44 comments)
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humor: Fun with Paul & Andy
- 05/01/09 12:34 PM
Choose Your Own Adventure
A) "T.A.R.P. ... it's what's for dinner."
B) "Hey, that's not Mama ... Holy God, it's Timothy Geithner!"
C) "Unbeknownst to Carl, the beleaguered systems analyst was about to be downsized for the second time in as many days."
D) "Worms again? What does a brother have to do to get an omelet up in here?"
Let's tally scores on this one. Select A, B, C or D in the comment stream and we'll run with the winner. Where we'll run with it, I haven't the foggiest idea, but run like the wind we … (36 comments)
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humor: Fun with Paul & Andy (9/26/09)
- 04/26/09 03:11 PM
"Craigslist Island"
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humor: Coming Soon ... Fun with Paul & Andy
- 04/11/09 05:37 AM
Sounds innocuous enough, no?
Tune in next week for some stultifying simple entertainment in these complex times. My man Andrew Lenza supplies the cartoons. I supply the captions. Hilarity and a total breakdown of Western civilization ensues. Good times.
Y'all come back now, ya hear?
… (30 comments)
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humor: Scottsdale AZ Real Estate Market Update
- 03/11/09 12:17 PM
Still kinda sucks. Check back in a week.
… (55 comments)
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humor: And Now a Word From Your Leaders
- 03/07/09 02:52 AM
In these troubled times, we Americans need to remember that a penny saved is a penny earned. Not only are a fool and his money quickly separated, but a bird in hand is worth two in the bush leagues. When push comes to shove, remember to raise your spirits by lifting with your legs. We don't need another hero to pull us up by our bootstraps. Each of us has to buckle down and cowboy up. Drastic times call for drastic measures, so make sure to carefully portion out equal parts piss and vinegar and take your medicine. Tastes like chicken.
… (30 comments)
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humor: Things to Do While Waiting for the Bank to Sign the Contract
- 10/27/08 05:09 PM
Hurry up and wait. Now wait a little longer.
You already know that the short sale process is prohibitive to all but the most resolute and patient buyer, but patience is a pre-requisite of pursuing that bank-owned property as well. You submit your offer, you wait a couple of business days, you are lobbed a non-binding verbal counteroffer or urged to throw out your original offer in favor of your "highest and best" shot.
Once you receive verbal confirmation that you are the winning bidder (that's right, you are often bidding for property again when it comes to the REO market), … (32 comments)
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humor: You say potatoe, I say potato.
- 09/29/08 05:29 AM
This is by far the most entertaining election cycle I have ever seen. If not for the economic quagmire and two grueling wars in which we are embroiled, I would be endlessly amused.
Who am I kidding? I am amused nonetheless.
We now take you semi-live to the action.
In the blue corner, weighing in at 60 pounds soaking wet, we have the challenger from Illinois, by way of Hawaii, Indonesia and Kenya. Put your hands together for Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarack Obaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaama!
In the red corner, standing three feet, four inches tall, fighting out of the Crustaceous Era, please give a warm … (43 comments)
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humor: Attention Homeowners: Your Bailout is in the Mail!
- 09/21/08 04:17 PM
Attention Citizens,
In these uncertain times, we here at the Treasury Department fully understand the fear that is running rampant across the nation. Now that we have complete unfettered control of the financial markets, let us assuage those fears by announcing that we are hereby assuming all debt currently held in the United States. Repeat, we are assuming all debt.
As all of you are going out of business, everything must go!
Bought your house on a 1-Year ARM from the first random mortgage broker on the street to say “Psst?” We’ve got you covered. If you also financed the … (36 comments)
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humor: More Resolutions from a Scottsdale Realtor
- 12/27/07 04:16 PM
The calendar on the wall tells me that it is December 27th, so that can only mean one thing. Actually, that can mean many things, but let's focus on the agenda at hand.
It's resolution time.
I have already laid out a paradigm shift that I will employ in my personal life for the coming year, and now it is time to address the additional goals and changes that are in store for yours truly.
2008 will be the year that I employ dramatic pratfalls while showing my listings. The object is to keep the buyer in the house as long as possible, … (44 comments)
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humor: Scottsdale's 12 Days of Mischief
- 12/23/07 05:31 AM
On the First Day of Mischief, my toddler gave to me:
A perfectly devious smile!
On the Second Day of Mischief, my toddler gave to me:
Two inoperable showers and a perfectly devious smile!
On the Third Day of Mischief, my toddler gave to me:
Three sticky messes, two inoperable showers, and a perfectly devious smile!
On the Fourth Day of Mischief, my toddler gave to me:
Four drywall patches, three sticky messes, two inoperable showers and a perfectly devious smile!
On the Fifth Day of Mischief, my toddler gave to me:
FIVE AM WAKE-UP CALLS! Four drywall patches, Three sticky messes, Two inoperable showers and a … (61 comments)
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humor: Q?U?E?S?T?I?O?N?S?
- 11/16/07 04:55 AM
Most days, I like to provide sound Real Estate analysis and advice here on my blog. Like my fellow agents, I believe that my experiences in this industry make my opinions worth sharing with consumers. Typically, that involves providing answers to common Real Estate related questions.
Today, though, I don't have any answers. Just questions of my own.
For starters, why do many of my esteemed colleagues refuse to place a lockbox on the front door? Why do you insist on making me hunt behind bushes and on water spigots to find the little blue key repository? Are you filming me for … (99 comments)
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humor: "Why is there a watermelon there?" - My plan for fixing Halloween
- 11/01/07 06:13 AM
Halloween is a fun and exciting time for children across the country. Expressing creativity through garish costume, reveling in the opportunity to frighten and be frightened, carving pumpkins, eating candy ... what could be better, right?
I'm glad you asked.
My family had a wonderful time on this latest All Hallows Eve, but I do believe the concept can be improved. Any event can become stale over time, so I propose the following changes be made to keep Halloween relevant in the years to come.
In no certain order, here are my random thoughts:
Enough with the pumpkins. It's passé. It's time to swap … (53 comments)
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humor: If the Bears Don't Get Him ...
- 10/25/07 05:08 PM
Attention Active Rain members:
Please be on the lookout for this man!
I am to call the National Forest Service, National Guard, maybe even the Nation Association of Realtors if he does not surface by Sunday evening. He was last seen leaving forest service road 25, approximately 5 miles south of Hannigan Meadow near Springerville, AZ. It is believed that he and a companion intend to complete a 4 day backpacking expedition, which runs the length of Bear Wallow Trail. Repeat, BEAR WALLOW TRAIL.
Deeming this the perfect opportunity to run across one of the numerous hungry black bear that inhabit the region just … (49 comments)
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humor: Realtors make the best Best Men
- 10/07/07 05:47 PM
I was asked to be the Best Man at an old friend's wedding this past weekend. It was the first time that such an honor had been bestowed upon me. It's an amazing and humbling thing to be chosen for such a responsibility. While there are numerous tasks to complete, the meat of the job description involves providing a steady hand to calm and guide the groom through the biggest day of his life. Considering that a Real Estate agent is generally quite adept at navigating treacherous waters while maintaining complete composure, I feel that my friend made an excellent choice!
The Best … (50 comments)
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humor: Case study: The Evolution of the Realtor Brain
- 09/19/07 08:40 AM
Of the big mysteries that this universe has to offer, is any greater than the inner workings of a mind which would subject its user to the life of a Realtor? How is one programmed to endure the uncertainty? The abuse? It is a classic case of Nature versus Nurture. Are we born this way? Is there some gene or abnormal chromosome shaped like an "R?" While I do not pretend to have the answers, I have concerns. I am already seeing signs in my little boys that smack of "Realtor." Perhaps it is mere paranoia, but I swear that I … (33 comments)
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Let's face it, anyone associated with the Real Estate industry over the past few years has a story worth telling. Unwitting witnesses to the fifty car pileup that has brought gridlock upon the highway to the American Dream, we owe it to consumers and historians alike to relate our first-hand accounts of the carnage.
;)
;)
;)
