jokes: Friday Funnies - Nov 20th - 11/19/20 07:49 AM
Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy said "Ya know
Mahtha, I'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane."
And every year Martha would say "I know Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs.... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."
So Stumpy says "By Jeebers Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old. If I don't go this time I may nevah go."
Martha replies "Stumpy, that there aihplane ride is ten dollahs...and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."
So the pilot overhears them and says "Folks, I'll make you a deal, … (18 comments)

jokes: Friday Funnies - February 26th - 11/01/20 04:53 PM
A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."
 
 
 
If the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then lefties are the only ones in their right mind.
 
 
 
A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down the road when … (30 comments)

jokes: Friday Funnies - February 19th - 11/01/20 04:42 PM
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what … (20 comments)

jokes: Friday Funnies - February 12th - 11/01/20 04:33 PM
There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. "Write it … (28 comments)

jokes: Friday Funnies - February 5th - 11/01/20 04:22 PM
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer … (28 comments)

jokes: Friday Funnies - January 29th - 10/31/20 12:29 PM
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
 
 
 
 
My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you … (26 comments)

jokes: Friday Funnies - January 22nd - 10/31/20 12:22 PM
An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”
 
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”
 
“But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”
 
 
 
 
Two fish in a tank.
 
One turns to the other and says “Do you know how to drive this?”
 
 
 
 
 
What do you call a monkey in a minefield ?  
 
A Baboom !
 
 
 
 
 
A scientist and a philosopher were being chased by a hungry … (26 comments)

jokes: Friday Funnies - January 15th - 10/31/20 11:41 AM
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.
 
The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That's it.”
 
 
 
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the … (16 comments)

jokes: Friday Funnies - January 8th - 10/30/20 03:38 PM
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
 
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
 
“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.
 
“And what do you deduce from that?”
 
Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,
 
Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
 
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
 
Horologically, I deduce that the … (30 comments)

jokes: Friday Funnies - January 1st - 10/30/20 03:32 PM
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
 
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
 
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now … (12 comments)

jokes: Friday Funnies - December 25th - 10/30/20 03:27 PM
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

Two fish swim … (24 comments)

jokes: Friday Funnies - December 11th - 10/25/20 05:40 PM
Manny is almost 29 years old, his friends have already gotten married, and Manny just dates and dates.
Finally a friend asks him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you that particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"
"No," Manny replies. "I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my Mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"
"Listen," his friend suggests, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?"
Many weeks go by and again Manny and his friend get together. "So, Manny. … (32 comments)

jokes: Friday Funnies - December 4th - 10/25/20 05:27 PM
A little old lady sold pretzels on court street for 25 cents each. Every day a young lawyer would leave the building at lunch time and, as he passed her pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but would never take a pretzel. One day as he approached her stand she said to him, "Sir, I have watched you for months, going by my humble pretzel stand and leaving me a quarter even though you do not take a pretzel. Well, I really appreciate this, but I find it hard to tell you...pretzels have increased to 35cents."
 
 
A psychiatrist's secretary walked … (16 comments)

jokes: Friday Funnies - November 27th - 10/25/20 05:18 PM
It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies. The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they're developing. They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken … (16 comments)

jokes: Friday Funnies - October 23rd - 10/17/20 08:36 PM
Okay, just because it is nice to have a smile at the end of a long worl week, it is time once again for the Friday Funnies
 
Two guys, George and Harry, set out in a hot air balloon to cross the Atlantic ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are." Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover. George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground."   So … (21 comments)