tuesday funny: Tuesday's Humorsss - 02/27/12 10:09 PM
> A retired man went into the Job Center in Downtown Denver, and > > saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he > > went in and asked the clerk for details. > > > > The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting > > the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of > > their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, > > then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in > > soothing oils so they're … (1 comments)

tuesday funny: Tuesday'ss Funnyyyyy - 02/14/12 01:06 AM
A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. > > The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for > a little bit and show him what to do. > > The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. > > A few minutes later, a woman comes in and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned." … (5 comments)

tuesday funny: Tuesday'ss Humorss - 02/07/12 01:42 AM
Top 10 SIGNS your family is STRESSED... 10. Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk". 9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial. 8. The cat is on Valium. 7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth. 6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated. 5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family. 4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners. 3. "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement … (1 comments)

tuesday funny: Tuesday'ss Funnyyyy - 01/31/12 01:46 AM
Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men? A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense" The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings." "Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly. His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?" … (7 comments)

tuesday funny: Tuesday'ss Funnyyy - 01/24/12 01:24 AM
Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please." The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?" "Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees. "Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture..." "Nah, we don't like … (2 comments)

tuesday funny: Tuesday's Humorss - 01/17/12 01:23 AM
A little old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut. He asks the barber, "do you think you can get all my whiskers off? My cheeks are so wrinkled from age." The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin. When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball. The barber replied, "Just bring … (5 comments)

tuesday funny: Tuesday'ss Funnyy - 01/03/12 01:33 AM
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee". The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, " I can't believe that, … (2 comments)

tuesday funny: Tuesday's Funnyy - 12/20/11 01:43 AM
A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed. "Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain. "Yes," replied the murderer. "Will you hold my hand?" … (2 comments)

tuesday funny: Tuesday Humorsss - 12/13/11 01:45 AM
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically … (3 comments)

tuesday funny: Tuesday's Humors - 12/06/11 01:26 AM
A driver was stuck in traffic and nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, “What’s going on?” “Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and they’re asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations.” “How much is everyone giving, on average?” the driver asks. The man replies, “Roughly a gallon.” … (1 comments)

tuesday funny: Tuesday Humorss - 11/29/11 01:36 AM
Investment tips for 2012 With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse of Lehman Bros and Acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America this might be some good advice. For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations later on this year: 1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace. 2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers … (3 comments)

tuesday funny: Tuesdays Humors - 11/22/11 01:35 AM
Some of the places I have been to in life. I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work. I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore. I have … (4 comments)

tuesday funny: Tuesday Humors - 11/15/11 01:49 AM
Three men were sitting in a bar talking about how whipped they had their wives.The first two kept bragging about how they could get their wives to do anything.They looked at the third man and he said, "I have my wife so whipped that the other day I had her crawling towards me on her hands and knees."Both of the other men were very impressed and asked him how he had managed that.The man replied, "Well, I was lying under the bed and she crawled over and said, "Come out and fight like a man!".
… (4 comments)

tuesday funny: Tuesday's Humor - 11/08/11 01:11 AM
 
Oxymorons 1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?2. Why is the third hand On the watch Called the second hand?3. If a word is misspelled In the dictionary, how would we ever know?4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" … (5 comments)

tuesday funny: Tuesday's Chuckles - 11/01/11 03:11 AM
 
Top Signs That You're Too Old to Trick or Treat ... 10. You get winded from knocking on the door. 9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you. 8. You ask for high fiber candy only. 7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over. 6. People say, "What a scary mask!" but you're not wearing a mask!5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest. 4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders. 3. You … (5 comments)

tuesday funny: Tuesday's Chuckle - 10/25/11 03:12 AM
An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. It is a horrible lie and one that a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."No one moved.The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven, and in your heart, you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your … (6 comments)

tuesday funny: Tuesday Funnies - 10/18/11 02:37 AM
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for … (6 comments)

tuesday funny: Tuesday's Funnies - 10/11/11 03:29 AM
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh! Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males , 2 Females," he replied. "How can you tell them apart?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone
… (3 comments)

tuesday funny: tuesday's funny - 10/04/11 02:48 AM
A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing. The police arrive and ask for a description. She tells them he's 6 foot 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him. The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, "You can't believe her. He's 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face." The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report. She … (5 comments)

tuesday funny: Tuesday's Funny - 09/27/11 02:54 AM
This 60 year old woman was walking along 5th Avenue when she heard a voice from above "You will live to be 100." She looked around and didn't see anyone. Again she heard "You will live to be 100." Boy, she thought to herself, that was the voice of God. I've got 40 more years to live! So off she went to the plastic surgeon. She got everything fixed from head to toe. When she left the plastic surgeon's office, she got hit by a bus,died, and went up to heaven. She said to God "You told me I would live … (2 comments)