wednesday funny: Wednesday'ss Humorssss - 02/28/12 09:54 PM
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students: "The female dormitory is out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. The second time you will be fined $60. A third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?" A male student inquired, "How much for a season pass?" … (1 comments)

wednesday funny: Wednesday'ss Humorsss - 02/21/12 10:17 PM
My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going … (5 comments)

wednesday funny: wednesday'ss funnyyyy - 02/15/12 01:15 AM
There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her > husband... for example... > > A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her > bedroom. > From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She > reaches for a > baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once > she's done, > she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. > > As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. > > "Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come … (2 comments)

wednesday funny: wednesday'ss funnyyy - 02/08/12 01:36 AM
Bus For Alaska Fay Chester was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house. The only relief she got from her chores was the twice-a-week bridge game she shared with a dozen other women. The only flaw in the bridge club relationship was that Fay loved to tell off-color stories and the girls didn't want to hear them. To teach Fay a lesson, the other women decided that the next time she told an off-color story, they'd just get up, walk out, meet at another home but without Fay. Sure enough, at the next meeting, Fay … (2 comments)

wednesday funny: wednesday'ss funnyy - 02/01/12 01:08 AM
The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander." Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, … (6 comments)

wednesday funny: wednesday's funnyyy - 01/25/12 01:40 AM
A millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. 'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.' So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened. In the pool is a man … (5 comments)

wednesday funny: wednesday's funnyy - 01/04/12 01:44 AM
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor..... Atheism is a non-prophet organization. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman, "Where's the self-help section?". She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. What if there were no hypothetical questions? If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? If … (5 comments)

wednesday funny: Wednesday'ss Humorss - 12/28/11 01:52 AM
Human Race Doomed? In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods. On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair). On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?) On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???...) On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion). On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed … (6 comments)

wednesday funny: wednesday's funny - 12/21/11 01:55 AM
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the wicked behavior going on..... He sent one of his angels to earth to look into it. When the angel returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not." God was not pleased so he decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them and give them a little something to help keep them going... Do you know what the e-mail said? NO? Okay, I was just wondering because I didn't get one either. … (3 comments)

wednesday funny: Wednesday"s Humorsss - 12/14/11 01:42 AM
A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing. The police arrive and ask for a description. She tells them he's 6 foot 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him. The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, "You can't believe her. He's 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face." The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report. She … (1 comments)

wednesday funny: Wednesday Humorsss - 12/07/11 02:08 AM
Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out. AVERAGE: Not too bright. EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date. ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily. ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated. CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law. UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement. QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors. TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited. TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors. INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors. STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk. TACTFUL IN … (3 comments)

wednesday funny: Wednesday"s Humorss - 11/30/11 01:25 AM
Virgin Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota,takes a lightning quick kick from a cow... right in his crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. 'How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiance Lena , is still a Virgin-in every vay.' The doctor told him, 'Olaf, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it in there as long as you … (1 comments)

wednesday funny: Wednesday"s Humors - 11/23/11 08:59 AM
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbors male dog at her house while they were away on vacation. She had a large house however and believed that she could keep them apart. As she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage as so frequently happens when they mate. She was unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next. Although it was late, she called the vet, … (0 comments)

wednesday funny: Wednesday Humors - 11/16/11 01:30 AM
The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: "What do you do at Christmas time?Patrick addressed the class: "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home  very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys."Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?"Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and Dad and we … (3 comments)

wednesday funny: Wednesday's Humor - 11/09/11 01:13 AM
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.The next day the kids came back and one-by-one began to tell their stories. "Johnny, do you have a story to share?", the teacher asked."Yes ma'am," Johnny replied. "My daddy told me a story about my Aunt Nancy. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit."She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife."She drank the whiskey on … (3 comments)

wednesday funny: Wednesday Humor - 11/02/11 03:21 AM
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?"
… (5 comments)

wednesday funny: Wednesday's Chuckles - 10/26/11 02:55 AM
 
The Life Cycle I think the life cycle is all backwardsYou should start out dead and get it out of the way.Then, you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School.You go to primary school, you become a kid , you play, you have no responsibilities, you … (2 comments)

wednesday funny: Wednesday's Funnies - 10/12/11 03:14 AM
The local parish had a fairly new priest. He had wonderful, innovative ideas that were, for the most part accepted by the congregation.His mentor - a "higher ranking" priest came for a visit - to see how he was doing. After looking the parish over, the senior priest said, "Father John, your idea of a drive through confessional is wonderful. That makes it so convenient for your church members. And, Father John, it was a really good idea to have the confessional open 24 hours a day, for those who work "shift" work. However, Father John... that flashing neon sign that … (4 comments)

wednesday funny: Wednesday's Funny - 09/28/11 09:14 AM
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job; given her liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan and her jobs as a social worker and school teacher.
The foreman frowned and said,  "I have to ask you this: "Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have!" "I've been divorced three times, owned 2 Fords, and I voted for Obama."
… (3 comments)

wednesday funny: Wednesday Funny - 09/07/11 03:17 AM
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago. Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet and shortly after, a story in an LA newspaper read: "California archaeologists' discovery of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers." One week later. … (4 comments)