My son and I are very fortunate to live in a small town with all the amenities of the big city and the feel and flavor of the country. By this I mean that my son's classmates, with few exceptions, live within 2 miles of our home. He has known his friends since elementary school and they have grown up together. We have shared birthday parties at the paintball places, skating rinks, rollerblading places, parks,and each other's homes. We have exchanged sleep overs over the years.
One of the most important characteristic of Lafayette, Louisiana is that all the parents that I know are involved with everything their children are involved with. During soccer season, we conglomerated on soccer parks for tournaments. It is an ideal place to raise a balanced child.
Whether we like it or not, our children become teenagers. There are so many things that they get absorbed in. Our task is to balance involvement with some degree of freedom. In Zen practice, it is called the middle way. Not too heavy and not too light.
As a parent, it was hardest for me to give my son the freedom other parents allow, but I have to have faith that my child would do the right thing when confronted with difficult choices.
I was born and raised in an entirely different culture where our hierarchy was God, parents, teachers. We viewed our parents as extensions of God and therefore, omniscient. Next to our parents, we revered our teachers.
But this is America and the challenges are different, but the principles are the same.
We simply accept our children as ordinary human beings, just like us. Everything that we need, they need. This means unconditional acceptance and unbounded love. By unbounded love, I do not mean foolish love. Children will always push the limits of our patience in order to know their boundaries, but setting the boundaries is as simple as telling the truth as it is. It is as simple as saying your curfew is at this time and when you are not home I worry about whether you had a flat tire and could not reach me or you got stranded somewhere. There.
Children have an immense capacity to understand us. We simply recognize that. Mostly, what they want is attention and affection, just like we do.
One of the best things I love about my son is that when I talk to him, about anything, he actually removes the headset from his ears, turns his swivel chair around so that the computer is behind him, and looks into my eyes when I am speaking. He pays full attention even for just a few minutes. On the other hand, I am also prepared to hear, "I cannot talk right now." We can give them the same, no matter what we are doing.
Simple courtesy is another thing we give our children. We never enter their rooms unannounced, leaving things the way they are in their rooms when we do go there. They have a right to privacy as much as we do.
When their friends come to visit, we give them the same courtesy we would if we were having other guests.
We pay attention to the cues that they are giving us, not necessarily telling us. I can tell if something did not quite go well by paying attention to habit patterns. Any change in behavior, if repeated should be addressed, but not necessarily in a confrontational manner.
And one fine day, we will hear from their friends how cool their parents are. Just don't wait for it until you have done your homework.
Pay attention to them when they are around because, sooner than we want, they will be off on their own blazing their trails. They will only take with them what we ourselves have given them. What would you give your child that he or she can carry everywhere he or she goes?
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