It's funny how the mind works. We all form mental pictures of what we think someone will look like. That's why a movie of a good book rarely meets our expectations.
You see, I had spoken to her on the phone several times. We had established a good rapport. She had contacted me via an on-line real estate referral service and was traveling to Grand Rapids to start a new life.
With heart breaking honesty, she shared the difficulty of the past year with the passing of her husband and the challenges she had faced. Her voice played out an image in my mind...young, perhaps mid 30's, long dark hair, tallish, engagingly vulnerable, sweet & now...engaged to be married again.
They walked into my office, hesitant...seemingly unsure of where they were. There were three of us waiting to meet them; a new trainee, the mortgage officer and myself. We knew there would be some credit repair issues and I'd invited the trainee to be a part of the process as she would eventually be handling the file.
They seemed a little overwhelmed..."Now, which one of you is Lola?" I stepped forward and re-introduced myself; it must have seemed to them that we were all talking at once. The mind makes quick adjustments. Definitely not youngish...She had a sweet girlish quality about her face, but appeared more mature than her voice suggested. He, a portly, middle aged man seemed wary. It became rapidly obvious that he did not want to be there.
Laurie, the loan officer started the interview. He interrupted her. He needed to tell her his story. It started with these words, "Nothing ever works out for me, every place I have been to has denied my loan, nobody has ever been willing to give me a chance and I'm sure you are all here to do a song and dance and then come back and tell me you can't help me, so I'm telling you right now..."
We were all startled; the credit file remained unopened as we stared at him trying to reprocess again...just who was sitting in front of us. After significant effort, Laurie, an experienced loan officer got him calmed down, but he remained extremely agitated. I sat back to observe, stunned by the juxtaposition of two sets of assumptions. Mine, contoured by what I imagined about the voice on the phone and his imagining the results of our meeting based on seemingly numerous experiences in the past. We were both way off!
Finally, I interrupted the jousting. Cutting in on yet another negative monologue, I said to him..."This isn't working for you is it, this story you insist on telling everyone? If it was, you'd have your house by now". He was startled momentarily and then admitted sheepishly..."No, it's not working for me. I do it because I don't want to be hurt anymore and want to protect myself".
I replied, "well, you've been creating your own reality. You expect to be denied and lo and behold the lie that you have manufactured in your mind about your inability to get a home even though you have an excellent job has become true for you." The air in his hot air rant, evaporated revealing beneath the bombast and suspicion a man who was looking at something truly scary...the prospect of regaining control of his own life and destiny and eschewing the easy route of blame and supposed bad fortune.
After the meeting that night, as I relaxed at home, I got a call from my sister reminding me to watch Oprah's program about her academy in South Africa. As we watched the show, my husband and I were entranced by the power and courage these young women displayed.
In spite of incredible obstacles; homes with no running water or toilet facilities, dangerous routes to get to school, loss of parents, and extreme poverty, these young ladies exuded a brilliance in courage and hope so bright it was breathtaking. Not, at all what I had expected when I saw the promo for the show. I hadn't so much formed a picture in my mind as I had a lowered my expectations.
Once, again my expectations were off the mark. These young women defied you to pity them...they considered themselves blessed and fully expect to transform the world. How different from the limited pictures in my mind of another poor Africa story replete with western salvation in the form of a generous aid package. Oprah summed up what many must have felt who watched that broadcast, she said "I came her to give to you, but you have given me so much more".
So here, in one evening, I saw it clearly. There are two types of poverty that we tend to focus scant attention on... poverty of Spirit and Poverty of the Mind. Just as physical impoverishment depletes life's promise, poverty of Spirit and Mind also clamp their ugly vice grip to squash out life's potential, only the mechanism by which it manifests is different - they rape the soul of hope.
In the western world, we tend to function on the assumption that as long as there is access to material comforts and the trappings of modernity, human beings will be OK. That's not necessarily true. I met a man last night whose spirit had been so impoverished and malnourished that he was barely able to even contemplate the prospect of financial prosperity. He had allowed his belief in a lie to rob his future to the point where even protestations to the contrary by a professional who could lead him to success were barely heard. As I listened to the stories that the girls in Oprah's academy shared, I was struck by the contrast, they were poor on the outside, but had the stuff of true riches were it counts the most...in their hearts.
Update: This blog post was originally published in 2007. I wish I could say that I was reporting a good ending to this story. The couple contacted us a few more times, but didn't follow through and eventually went on their way. Expectations are powerful...
Copyright 2007 & 2009 Audu Real Estate All Rights Reserved
Picture of young South African student is courtesy of lebeccios' photostream on flickr. Please visit www.focalpointaid.org to learn more about how your contribution can make a difference in a young child's life.
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