Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it's one monk's first chance. He thinks for a bit before saying, "Food Bad".
Ten years later, he says, ‘Bed Hard".
It's the big day, another decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and just says, "I quit".
"I'm not surprised," the head monk replies. "You've been complaining ever since you got here."
A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads "Talking Dog for Sale." Intrigued he walks up to the door knocks and asks to see the dog.
"So what have you done with your life?" he asks the dog.
"I've led a very full life", says the dog. "I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq, and now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home."
The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog's owner, "Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?
The owner says, "Because he's a liar! He never did any of that!"
The Religious Men
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who's the best at is job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: "When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion."
"I found a bear by the stream", says the minister "and preached God's holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him."
They both look down at the rabbi who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. "Looking back," he says, "maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision."
A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. "My life is a mess," he says. "My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I'm as jittery as a cat."
"Why don't you go see a psychiatrist?" suggests the collie.
"I can't," says the poodle. "I'm not allowed on the couch."