A grandmother is watching her only grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea.
She pleads, ‘please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back.'
With that, a big wave washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. The grandmother looks up to the heavens and says ‘He had a hat!'
A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He's telling a dumb blond joke when a platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet.
‘What gives you the right to stereotype blonds that way?' She demands.
"What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?"
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology.
‘You keep out of this!" she yells. I'm talking to that little jerk on you knee!"
In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. "Will I die?" she asks.
God says, "No. You will have 30 more years to live."
With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she's in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great!
The day she's discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed.
Up in heaven, she sees God." You said I had 30 more years to live," she complains.
"That's true", says God.
"So what happened?"
God shrugs. "I didn't recognize you."
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
‘I think my friend is dead!" he yells. "What can I do?"
The operator says, "Calm down. First let's make sure he's dead."
There's a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, "Okay, now what?"