How motherhood has changed me...

Everyone has events in their lives that change them dramatically.  Becoming a parent has to be one of the most dramatic.  I am no exception.

Before having children I was focused on my career and I have to say to an unhealthy extent.   I also spent a lot of time worrying about trivial things.  I had friends but did not appreciate them properly and I did not appreciate my family ( ie my husband nor my parents and siblings) enough either.  I took too much for granted.  I also took myself for granted in many ways.  In short, my life was out of proper focus.

Just finding out I was pregnant the first time turned my life upside down.  (surely made more dramatic by the fact I was 20 weeks along before we knew I was pregnant....long story)  I immediately began to learn all I could about pregnancy and birth since I felt a real responsibility to do the right things for the health of my baby and frankly because I was scared to death.  I read more than 40 books on birth and pregnancy in the short 4 months before baby was due and managed to decorate a nursery in addition to working 2 jobs.  I had in my head that having the baby would be wonderful, but that I really did not want it to change me.  Yes I was in denial.  I thought I would simply go right back to work, only a few less hours.  I had firm in mind that I would nurse, but only for a year and that was being generous.  I did not even change my business goals for the year.

Reality came in the form of a difficult, although completely natural, birth and an even more challenging 6lb baby boy.  Since he was so small, but not meant to stay that way he nursed sometimes as much as 8 hours with not a single break.  Even getting to eat food and drink water myself became a challenge, let alone luxuries like getting to bathe or pee alone.  To make matters harder he also was very very sensitive and could not tolerate me eating a number of things as they upset his stomach when they came through my milk and also gave him a horrid rash.  I had to find through experimentation what foods were an issue ( and wouldn't you know it they were mostly my favorites)  I did not sleep more than a hour straight for more than 7.5 months.  I fell into extreme postpartum depression, and looking back now that I know more, more likely postpartum psychosis.  During that time I learned to pray like no other time in my life.  I also came to appreciate my mother who cared for me a severely colicy baby just like my own first born.  As I prayed and worked my way out of the depression I discovered strength I did not know I had.  I managed to stay nice to others even when I was exhausted past what I thought possible.  I learned I could love so completely I was almost lost in it.  I also found out that my work was a pale pale passion compared to what I felt about being a mom.  Although financially we really really needed me to work, really I could not.  My husband had to have some one come help him with our son every time I left to work only because it was so stressful for him with our baby screaming that he was afraid he would hurt him.  We were even more scared to leave him alone with some one who did not love him like we did and so I had just over 2 years where I did not work for wages, but I'm not sure I ever worked harder than then.  Thankfully he grew and grew out of the colic over a year's time ( replaced by night terrors and sleep walking but that was more manageable) I still pretty much did not set him down for almost 2 years.  

In that I learned I could put some one else's needs way above my own for a long time.  I learned that I had strength and love and stamina I never knew I had.  My career track mind went on a totally new track and my preconceived ideas about weaning went out the door too when at a year my son still was made dangerously ill every time we tried to introduce solids.  I had to make the decision to instead wean when my need to wean him was greater than his need to nurse, at that point it wasn't he needed to nurse just to live.  But that brings me to another point of change, I needed at this point to learn how to also focus on my needs too since most of them even some very basic ones were not being met.  ( a source of the depression and other issues)

Then I got pregnant with our 2nd child.  This time I was determined to have a different kind of birth and wanted to have an easier postpartum too.  I again launched into reading all I could to get ready.  When I was 2 weeks from conception ( yes I knew much earlier this time)  I was reading a stack of books half as tall as I was and my husband said, "instead of just reading about this why don't you do it?"  I replied "have you forgotten we ARE doing this, our baby is due next spring? " no he explained that is not what he meant, why didn't I teach childbirth classes, I would be good at it.  That set me off on the path of becoming a certified childbirth educator and doula. I finished my certification about the time I gave birth.  This birth was at home and wonderful in ways I still can't describe.  This time she was easy, nursed very little compared to her brother.  I became a working mom who took her baby with her to work and I also grew in another way.  I had to learn to anticipate needs instead of just reacting to them, because unlike her brother she asked for nothing at all.  She would have contently went for hours and hours with out eating to the point of failing to thrive.  I had to wake her up at night to feed her just because she would sleep to the point it was dangerous.  I began to get more balance in my life as a job reentered it. 

In the middle of all of that, and I am not totally sure when, I discovered I discovered I had become fearless and strong in ways I had not imagined before.  Even though I had been doing public speaking since I was about 5 or 6 it had prior to children still really made me nervous.  I also really no longer worried too much about what others thought of me.  ( how freeing) Some how all the fear I felt about our future also melted away and was replaced with resolve and with faith.  I felt I had found my grove and was really experiencing the joy of being a mom.  My kids were growing beautifully and as Chlo'e approached 3 I felt I had grown up and finally gotten things right and I could not imagine growing more or wanting for more than I had right then.  

Of course when you think you have it all figured out life ( I think GOD actually) shows you otherwise.

Our finances changed dramatically at that point and my husband demanded I get a "real job".  I had not worked for some one else for more than 10 years and was not sure if I could get a job that would even pay for childcare.  He countered that I had not even tried.  He was right.  I prayed that if I was supposed to go back to work I would get hired and if I was not supposed to I would not.  Even though I had not worked for someone else for over 10 years I was given 3 job offers in the first WEEK I applied for jobs.  I took this as a sign and I took one of the 3.  The year that followed was the hardest of my entire life.  I had sworn not to be one of "those" mothers who left their kids and went to work.  I took on a whole new appreciation for the sacrifices they make.  I began to have more respect for them and in the end quit judging them and myself for what I was doing.  I learned to have stamina I did not know I had.  I learned how to work just for the sake of a pay check and benefits instead of something I loved doing ( I did not) and I learned how to work 70 hours a week and even more and still keep a home and a family in place.  I also learned to really appreciate other women in a way I had not as my support system, my husband's support and lots of prayer are likely all that kept me going.  I also learned to manage my time and really focus on my family when I was home in ways I had not before.  I also learned that I had been far too critical of moms who worked full time jobs outside the home.  However since my job had too many hours an was in a very negative environment and was actually hurting me and my family I looked for another alternative.  We also wanted a 3rd child and I knew that I personally ( based on the first 2 pregnancies) could not keep up the pace I was keeping while pregnant.

Finally after almost a year of working more than full time my husband and I decided for my health's sake ( I had an ulcer at this point and was experiencing panic attacks way way too often) that I would find some other way to have me contribute to the family.  At the end of 2003 I got my Real Estate license.  I must have been very motivated since I finished most of my clock hours while working the 70 hour a week job. ( thank GOD for online classes)

I brought my children with me and worked from home for most of the first 2 years in RE and I had to learn how to time block and to use the computer.  It's funny but learning how to use the computer was more difficult than it was to learn to use the Real Estate contracts, learn the market or even to show homes and prospect with kids along.  I guess I've come a long way since then, the other day I was trying to help a fellow Realtor with some online marketing and they said to me " you know Anna, I'm can't just do that like you can, I'm not tech savvy like you"  You could have knocked me over with a feather.  ME tech savvy?  and then it hit me, while some things are hard for me to do still, I have learned how to use a computer and social media and more to build my business in part because it is a way to do so that allows me to be with my kids and in part ( surprisingly) because I really like to do it.

I worked through my 3rd pregnancy, and this time I learned to take good care of myself and my family while working.  I became more balanced.  I learned how to work in the  20% part of the 80/20 principle. ( the 20% of efforts being what gives you 80% of results)  I learned to take time out for myself even though I had so much on my plate.  I was forced to because I was having way too much preterm labor.  I did end up selling a house while I was in labor, which would lead you to believe I did not have the balance, but I really did.  I took breaks, I stopped in the middle of the day and took my kids somewhere fun.  Funny thing it increased my business instead of hurting it.

I also learned that you can be working attachment parent with an infant, I really had thought that I could not do that.  I learned that if I acted like it was totally normal to take a baby with me no one else really had a issue either.  I learned that those who did have an issue with it were not likely the clients I wanted any way.  I learned how to say no to some business that would take me away from my family too much and that I was blessed with business to replace it.  

My children grew and we wanted one more....we felt we were in a great place financially to make that work.  I had 13 transactions in escrow when we got pregnant and my husband had just had a raise, but remember what I said about when you think you have it all figured out....Well 10 of the 13 transactions fell through, my husband was partly laid off just 2 months later and his pay cut by almost 40%.  I got very sick, followed by losing my voice for 2 months ( thank goodness I could still prospect and network via computer)  followed by preterm labor that put me in bed. Needless to say our finances were not in a good place.  We lost our truck and made due with a car who's blue book is under a $1000 and a more than 20 year old project car.  We dealt with bill collectors calling, we worked and prayed.  As the baby grew I should have felt fear about being able to care for him and his siblings since we did not have a way out.  I needed to work, but needed to keep him safe inside until he was old enough to come out even more.  Some how in the middle of it all I found myself calm, at peace and feeling an abundance I had never felt before.  ( weird huh?)  Motherhood with all it's twists and turns had taught me to do my best and to trust in a plan better and bigger than anything I could have planned.  

Our 4th was born at home healthy and robust 3 weeks ahead of his "due date".  The next day my phone started to ring off the wall with work.  Thankfully much of which I could refer to my buyer's agent.  The day after that my husband was offered a new job which with in a year would have him being paid double what he made before his wages were cut, plus it offered the benefits we had done with out for over 8 years.   Since then several other opportunities have presented themselves in my business, despite the fact that I have not started my prospecting yet ( I promised myself to take at least 10-13 weeks of maternity leave from prospecting, I have only been using the computer to promote my business during this time).  I am enjoying this little boy so much and it's been fun to see how in love with him the rest of the family is as well.

I am looking forward to what having a middle schooler, grade schooler, pre schooler and infant all at once will do to change me.  I know the growth I have experienced so far is just the beginning of the journey of being a mom.  I suspect I will have much much more to learn and a lot of it will be about letting go.

Being a mom has changed me from a fearful person who was judgmental,overwhelmed with much less than I do today with ease, and a woman who tried to control everything into a woman with real faith, who can step forward with out fear and who is more loving, accepting and adaptable than I could ever have imagined.  In short it made me grow up (for real) and also helped me learn to be less serious to play and to really love.