I just got back from a training session for volunteer Crisis Intervention Officers with the Pima County District Attorney Victim Witness Unit. One of the most essential skills for dealing with crime victims who are in crisis is being a good listener - part of the job is to bring those victims out of crisis, to allow them to begin processing what has happened and allow them to begin to build a plan for getting through the experience. Now, I'm not saying that those skills might help us all to be better at our jobs...but maybe they could help. Certainly for me, as a loan officer in Tucson, it is important to really listen to what my clients want and what their long term plans are - this will have a huge bearing on the best way to structure their home financing.
Listening skills can be broken down into eight skills, and I will go through each of them. Most of them we all know already, but I found tonight that studying this tonight gave me a chance to analyze which of those skills I don't use enough, and what I can work on to be more effective in dealing with people.
Active Listening
Pretty simple but very important. This is eye contact, body language, and the little noises we make to show that we are engaged and interested by what the other person is saying. It shows that we are not daydreaming about being somewhere else or working out what to say when it is our turn.
Mirroring
Assuming a similar body language, posture, attitude or tone of voice. This creates a feeling of connection and commonality. It makes people comfortable because we are not being adversarial. And of particular interest to me this evening - if someone is defensive, for example their arms are crossed and they are tense or angry, you can mirror that. If you gradually loosen up and adopt an open, comfortable posture, they will often follow you and relax.
NOTE - don't mirror people in a creepy way. This has to be done naturally. In fact it is natural and people do it all the time. Next time you are in Starbucks or somewhere people meet their friends, look at how they naturally mirror people. We are just looking to use this natural behavior to put people at ease - not to manipulate them.
Open Questions
Basically a question which encourages someone to continue to talk and open up and let us learn more about where they are at. If it is open, it can't be answered with a 'yes' or a 'no'. It allows the person we are listening to to continue to stay in the driving seat of the conversation, and shows again that we are interested.
TIP: What, who, when, where and how questions are great. Why questions tend to illicit a defensive a defensive reaction from a lot of people. Contrast the reaction to "Why were you late making your credit card payment?" with the reaction to "What happened that caused you to be late making this payment?"
Closed Questions
Have to be answered yes or no. Generally not useful because they put us back in control of the conversation. But of course, sometimes necessary, especially if the conversation needs to come back on track or we need to ask the person to make a clear choice. We just need to be aware of these so that we know when to use them and when not to. It is a good practice when we find ourselves asking a closed question to figure out how to ask it as open ended. An example for realtors - "Do you like this house?" doesn't provide much information to find a more suitable one. Maybe try "How does this one meet your criteria?"
Parrotting
Simply repeating one key word from what someone just said. It doesn't break the flow of their talking, but shows that you are listening, interested, while encouraging them to expand on that point. This is something I don't tend to do, but it seems very effective and I will be experimenting with it.
Experimenting?
Just trying it out in my daily conversations with people to see how it works.
Reflecting
This relates to getting to the core of how someone feels, and allowing them to bring out that emotion. For example, if someone is asking me questions about the lending process, I might key into the fact that they are having trouble understanding it all. So I might say "It sounds like you are maybe feeling a little overwhelmed by all this new informations." And that allows them to admit that they are, and that I am probably going a little fast and using way too many acronyms, and that I lost them five minutes ago, and they were thinking about trying find another loan officer who actually speaks English. (For the record I generally do.) So now we can be open and candid and solve a problem before it really arises. This also helps them to feel that I am relating to them as a real person.
The really neat thing which I learned tonight about reflecting is that IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU ARE WRONG. If you misread their emotions, they will simply correct you, and tell you how they are feeling. And again, we have removed a barrier to effective communication.
Paraphrasing
Basically summarizing what the person we are listening to just said. This is a good practice for those of us who tend to daydream, because it forces us to listen so that we can summarize. Again, this shows that we value what is being said, and illicits further explanation.
Silence
Big, scary, empty silence.... ... .... .... .... ....(tumbleweed) .... .... ........ .... .... .... .... .... ....(stomach gurgling, man I'm hungry) .... ...... .... .... ......
......Somebody say something!
This is a really useful tool if you can be comfortable with it. How many people do we meet on a daily basis who are comfortable not filling moment of silence with some kind of sound. And don't we feel comfortable around those people. In dealing with a crime victim, often their thinking ability is radically reduced or slowed, so it is important to be able to just sit in silence while they process. Someone buying a home is not impaired to the same degree (okay, i know we've all had a client who was close) but hey, they are making a big, expensive, long-term decision. Maybe they would appreciate a little silence while they process what is perhaps new information?
So there you are. Probably nothing new for most of us, but I found that by looking at these skills I was able to find a lot of ways to improve my communication, and I hope someone else can benefit from it to. If you have any tips or skills for better communication to add, please do so below. We all learn by sharing together.
I'm Simon Smart from Sunstreet Mortgage, a mortgage banker here in sunny Tucson. If there is anything I can do to help you or a client, don't hesitate to give me a call. I'm always happy to to help, or just to chat (or even just to listen). Good luck out there everyone.
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