The funniest agent's listings...

Home Stager with 2 Hounds Design + Home Staging

In a recent Blog I wrote, Hire a 'Naked Stager': Satisfaction Guaranteed!, Paul Viau wrote how we sould all use the word "Naked" more in our advertising.

Well, there is an agent in the U.K., Ralph Bending who does just that! You have to read his listings, they are hysterical. His tagline is 'the most fun you can have with an estate agent'.

Here are some of his current listings:

  • "Ground floor flat synonymous with the type of person who eats red kidney beans and exhudes certain aromatic gases. Bedroom at the front with en-suite shower room, small sitting room at the rear, brand new kitchen, courtyard garden and a gravel parking area."
  • "Like something out of a 1970's sitcom this three bedroom Victorian terrace house perspires as it sits there in a tight nylon shirt and drinks a pint of Harp. Hall, large sitting/dining room, kitchen, bathroom, three bedrooms, bathroom, courtyard garden and shed. Suit someone who still wears Brut."
  • "This 1930's house once stood firm in its spot like a green runner bean. Now it sits there forlorn as it leaves the washing up till later and dirties its pants. Like shit clinging to a hairy blanket two cramped and dirty flats have been created from this once proud beast. Not pretty - but could be and if it was worth more. Best offer so far £182,500. Can you beat it?"

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Robert Whitelaw
Whitelaw & Sons Real Estate Services - Morgan Hill, CA
Broker, CEO, Realtor , ePro
I have been in the UK 2 years now and there are definitely some characters here. Their "Estate Agents" are not at all synonymous with a "Real Estate Agent" in the US tho. 
Jun 21, 2007 03:56 AM #8
Nicolette Ceballos, Fountain Valley Now Serving all of California
Bilingual Escrow Officer - Fountain Valley, CA
That is hilarious!  Try reading it with an accent.  It's even funnier!
Jun 21, 2007 03:57 AM #9
Gary J. Rocks
Juba Team Realty - Jefferson Township, NJ


That was great! There once was a broker in my area who's heading was Sex, and then it read now that I have yor attention.

He caught much flack from the Real Estate Community and sellers alike. It didn't take long for him to close his doors.

Jun 21, 2007 05:55 AM #10
Marci Toliver
438-4642 - Mauldin, SC
Anderson SC, Spartanburg,Greenville SC, Home Staging
Dane, you have got to be making this stuff up! lol
Jun 21, 2007 06:55 AM #11
Paul Viau
Nova Scotia Real Estate Blog - Halifax, NS
Nova Scotia Real Estate Blog + Photo Services
Hey whats up? Greetings from the east Coast! I'll set up a naked open house in July sometime. I'll post the details ! man- I'm not into the groupie-agent bit though.
Jun 21, 2007 07:45 AM #12
Toronto's 2 Hounds Design: Decorating + Staging
2 Hounds Design + Home Staging - Toronto, ON

Dennis, I was told Ralph decided he was old enough to just start speaking his mind. He gets clients who just want to see what he will write about their place (or them!).

Dan, a great quote. I wonder what Mark Twain would think about the porn industry being the largest industry on the internet. Apparently people will pay alot of money to see others naked!

Christine, lol, everytime I read your comment I laugh! I can't beleive you said shit!

Kathy, It would be refreshing to see on mls!

Robert, (rebelbroker...sounds like you could be on your way to being another Ralph!) what are you doing in the UK? and what is an Estate Agent anyway?

Nicolette, you are a scream! I hadn't thought to do the accent while I'm trying to imagine John Cleese reading them!!

Gary, well he wasn't original, but at least he tried!

Marci, he's a hoot, eh?!

Paul, Don't forget to post the pictures! (Thanks for stopping by!)

Jun 21, 2007 12:30 PM #13
Sue Argue
Staged First Impressions - Hampton, NH
NH Home Stager
Dane, what a riot you are. The Brits' humor is rather refreshing I think.
Jun 21, 2007 01:40 PM #14
Jim Watzlawick
Watz Home Inspections - Algonquin, IL
Watz Home Inspections
Those were great. LOL where did this guy come up whith this stuff.
Jun 21, 2007 01:47 PM #15
Vicki Watzlawick
CORE Realty (The Watz Team) - Algonquin, IL
Illinois Foreclosure Expert, The Watz Team
Dane here's one of our local agents...HOLY KAFLOOGLE INDEED! WAS SOLD-BUYER DIDN'T QUALIFY-FAW DOWN & GO BOOM!   AT least he doesnt have a fettish with beans!  It takes all kinds!
Jun 21, 2007 02:08 PM #16
Jason Price
Mortgage Financial Group, Inc - Eustis, FL


Wow is all I can say about those listings.  I am curious if he is a successful agent over there with descriptions like that.

Thanks for sharing.

Jun 21, 2007 02:55 PM #17
Pat Hallesy
Coldwell Banker Elite - Orange, VA
Naked open house might be a good one to use for a vacant listing . . .


The house, not the agent.  This home is ready to be clothed in your furniture and to have your stuff draped as its finery.
Jun 21, 2007 03:19 PM #18
Stephanie Heron
Dressing Rooms LLC - Scottsdale, AZ
Weeber - Dressing Rooms

It's a whole different ball game (cricket perhaps) on the other side of the pond. From what I remember of the last time I sold a house there are no buyer's agents and listing agents it all gets done by one office. You don't make written offers, its often done verbally, nothing is binding - except in Scotland, the average commission is about 1.5% - total - and the legal stuff is done by lawyers. Most Estate Agents are 'stuffed shirts' - Mr Bending seems rather refreshing:)

Stephanie (a Brit in case you were not sure)

Jun 21, 2007 03:25 PM #19
David Yeoman
Mortgage Intelligence Inc. (David Yeoman) - Barrie, ON

Certainly a far cry from the typical MLS listing we see......3 bedroom, 1.5 bath room, large lot with a great view of the neighbours yard behind.

As a Realtor, which do you think is going to get more attention and more importantly more "word of mouth" discussion regarding your listing and YOU!  We are talking about them aren't we.

If you were ever brave enough to describe one of your own listings this way, be sure to call the local paper, anomalously of course and point that listing out to them.  You just might get another ton of free advertising, sell that listing and become the most famous, popular and successful Realtor in your market.

Ok maybe a little far fetched but in an industry where you have to differentiate yourself from the others....


Jun 22, 2007 01:25 AM #20
David Helm
Helm Home Inspections - Bellingham, WA
Bellingham, Wa. Licensed Home Insp
Now if only we could get agents on this side of the Atlantic to be this creative.  We might, as a nation, refind our sense of humor.
Jun 22, 2007 01:27 AM #21
Carl Berg
ERA Wilder Realty, Inc - Columbia, SC


      I wonder how many calls he receives on this.

Jun 22, 2007 02:02 AM #22
Toronto's 2 Hounds Design: Decorating + Staging
2 Hounds Design + Home Staging - Toronto, ON

I will respond to each of you asap, but I've got a ton of things to do!

I just wanted to say that Ralph is very popular and therefore busy. I'd love it if we had someone like this around here...of course I'd probably creep him out 'cause I'd want to be his friend and be tracking him down all the time!

Jun 22, 2007 02:22 AM #23
Bill Gassett
RE/MAX Executive Realty - Hopkinton, MA
Metrowest Massachusetts Real Estate
Dane - That has to be the funniest ad I have ever seen - Thanks for sharing this you just made my morning.
Aug 23, 2007 12:17 AM #24
Debbie Cook
Long & Foster Real Estate, Inc - Silver Spring, MD
Silver Spring and Takoma Park Maryland Real Estate
I once worked with an agent like this in my office - He had the most awful beat up listings - He would make them all sound 10 times worse than they were and people would come take a look because of his ads. A couple of his favorites:  "Oh, Give me a home where the buffallo roamed", "Bring Your Honey Home to this Sugar Shack" and "Abandoned Mansion for Sale"
Aug 23, 2007 12:23 AM #25
Jason Crouch
Austin Texas Homes, LLC - Austin, TX
Broker - Austin Texas Real Estate (512-796-7653)
This is a terrific post.  We have a guy here in Austin who is known for using "sexy master bath" or "sexy master bedroom" on most of his listings, to the point that it is ridiculous.  However, we don't have a Ralph-type here.
Aug 23, 2007 03:05 AM #26
Penny Florence
Midvale, UT
Hiliarious!  Thanks for sharing and making me laugh!
Aug 23, 2007 05:28 PM #27
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