Secretary of the Interior to Fire 50,000 Cattle Guards Immediately!

Managing Real Estate Broker with The Reata Realty Group

President Obama after receiving a report that there are over 100,000 cattle guards in Colorado and because Colorado ranchers protested his proposed changes in grazing policies...He ordered Secretary Ken Salazar to fire half of the guards immediately.  Before Mr. Salazar could respond and to explain to him, Congresswoman and Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi intervened with a request that before any were fired they be given six months of retraining.

For those of you not familiar with Cattle Guards they are horizontal steel rails welded together about 6" apart and laid over an open pit at the fence lines where a road crosses the fence line.  Generally Cattle won't cross them for fear of either pit or getting their feet caught in between the rails.  However I have seen some athletic ones jump over them but that's pretty rare.

So I'm at quite a quandary as to what you would retrain a Cattle Guard to do.  Maybe stand them up and use them as gates but weighing in at about a ton it would take some kind of super human to open the gate.  You could cut it up and sell it for scrap but would that be retraining?  I'm not sure.

Maybe we could create green Jobs with this.  Yes, I think that's what we should do.

Ok, here's the plan.  Dig them all up, load them on trucks but only Hybrid Trucks and haul them to the Texas Boarder and retrain them as Boarder Fence.

The Government would then need to send out several different government agencies to do a study on how to handle the open pit left from the removal of the Guards, to see if there would be any mice or lizards that would be disturbed, engineers to determine how roads would be built to navigate around the holes and contractors to tear down and rebuild the fences for the roads and to build gates for traffic to go through.  Then they would need to hire people to guard the holes so other people don't fall in and hire people to open and close the gates in the fences to let traffic through.

Now after all the studies are done then they would fill in the holes with dirt hauled from hundreds of miles because you just can't get Government dirt locally. 

By the time all this is done a new Government administration is in power and they fire and lay off the all gate openers and hole watchers but send them to school for retraining.  Move in new contractors to redig the holes and put back the cattle guards, tear down the gates that were built and rebuild the fences.  All of this at our expense.

Happy Trails,



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Margaret Goss
Baird & Warner Real Estate - Winnetka, IL
Chicago's North Shore & Winnetka Real Estate

Oh - you are so wicked!  Did he really want to fire "them" ??

Mar 30, 2010 10:15 AM #1
Michelle Stuart
Pythias Management - Property Mgmt with a Personal Touch - Saint Albans, NY
Property Manager/Realtor

This "joke" originally was told in 1995 and used President Clinton instead...

Mar 30, 2010 10:31 AM #2
Donnie Keller
The Reata Realty Group - Fort Worth, TX
Reata Realty - Delivering Excellence

I know, that's why I put the link in to snoopes.

Mar 30, 2010 11:19 AM #3
Virginia Hepp - Mesquite NV REALTOR
Desert Gold Realty - Mesquite NV Homes For Sale - Mesquite, NV
Mesquite NV Homes and Neighborhoods - Search MLS

OK, you got me.

Apr 11, 2010 08:12 PM #4
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Donnie Keller

Reata Realty - Delivering Excellence
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