Take THAT Telemarketers!

I recently wrote about my experience with telemarketing "crammers" here on Active Rain (Warning! Crammers and Slammers are on the Line!) and oddly I received the following in the mail the day before I became aware that I was a "victim". I was really steamed about this cramming business and when I read the email I thought how absurd some of the things were and had to laugh. 

Please don't try this at home though, no matter how funny you may think it is or even if you change some of the wording because you are much more creative.  The way to beat these businesses at their game is to just hang up as quickly as possible.  If you ask them to put you on their Do Not Call List, DON'T hold for them to switch you for "confirmation", "verification" or anything.  Just hang up. 

Switching you signals that you are opting in to whatever they are selling, which is an add on service to your phone line, in most cases. You wouldn't know this and that's what they are counting on.  Read my post on this scam for more.

In the meantime you may find at least one of these will bring a smile to your face.

Take "That" Telemarketers! *    

Have you ever been at home, enjoying the night with your family, and suddenly your phone rings?  You jump up to grab the phone, figuring the person on the other line is a dear friend calling to say they have an extra ticket to that event you wanted to go to, and suddenly your ears are assaulted by a stranger asking to tell you about an amazing deal, or conducting a survey.  You accidentally say yes and suddenly you're stuck in a 15 min sales pitch with no way out.  Well, you don't have to take it...fight back with one of these 10 tricks on how to handle a telemarketer:

1. Television Superstar: 

• You: "Have you ever been on How to Catch a Predator?"

2.  Confusion:  Choose a random word and repeat...

• Telemarketer: "Is this Mr. Smith?"
• Response: "Pancakes"
• Telemarketer: "I am conducting a survey; could I ask you a few questions?"
• Response: "Pancakes"

3.  Convict:

• Response: "Do you realize you have wasted my one call for jail?  Do you have any bail money?"

4.  Answering Machine:

• You:  "Hello"
• Telemarketer: "Is this Mr. Smith?"
• You: "Haha, got you... This is Jon's phone, go ahead and leave a message after the beep" Pause a moment "BEEEEEP"
• Wait a moment, avoid breathing into the phone and see what type of message they leave.

5.  The Set Up:

• Response: "You sound so cute; you're not married are you?  I have the perfect person for you to go out with."  (then describe Carrot Top or  Rosanne Barr)

6.  Fake a Crime:

• Telemarketer: "Hello is this Mr. Smith?"
• Response:  "Quite, Shhhhh, he might hear you.   I was hoping it was the police, but you'll do.  I am hiding in the bottom of my closet, I don't know what to do, I came home and... quiet... he walked right past, he almost found me.   Maybe I should call the police.  I've got to go...."

7.  Baby Talk:  Talk to the telemarketer as you would a baby...

• Telemarketer: "Is this Mr. Smith?"
• Response:  "Who is this?  Is this my big guy?"
• Telemarketer: "I am Andy with Company XYZ, how are you today?"
• Response:  "Oohhhh I am with company XYZ, such big words for my little guy, what do you want to talk about?  Peak-a-boo! I hear you!"
• Telemarketer:  "Is this a good time?"
• Response:  "Sounds like someone has a case of the grumpies."

8.  Old Friends: Talk fast so he can't interrupt...

• Telemarketer: "Is this Mr. Smith?"
• Response:  "Hey is this Tommy? How are you? It's been too long, when was the last time we talked?  Remember that one summer, when we freed all of old mister Johnson's chickens?  I hear one of his hens still won't lay eggs.  And Mexico...don't get me started on Mexico, they are probably still looking for you..."

9.  Movies Help Us in Real Life:  Use quotes or plots from movies to end the call...

• Telemarketer: "Is this Mr. Smith?"
• Response:  "Dumbledore is that you?"
• Telemarketer:  "No this is Andy from Company XYZ, how are you tonight?"
• Response:  "Listen Andy, Ron and I were down at Train Station 13.5 and we missed the train to Hogwarts.  But that's not the worst of it. "
• Telemarketing:  "Well I hope that works out, it will only take a minute, have you heard of..."
• Response:  "Andy my lightning bolt scar on my forehead is hurting; he who must not be named is back... I have to go."

10.  The Jerk:

• Telemarketer: "Is this Mr. Smith"
• Response: "Your real parents are in Canada."
• Telemarketer: "I'm sorry?"
• Response: "This is the exact reason your parents gave you up."

*Info on the T-shirt shown click here