Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a system to put workers of 50 years of age and older on early retirement, thus creating new jobs opportunities and reducing unemployment.
This system will be known as Retire Aged People Early (RAPE). Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the Special Help After Forced Termination (SHAFT) program.
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the System Covering Retired-Early Workers (SCREW) program. A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED could get Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse (AIDS) or Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance (HERPES). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much Special High Intensity Training (SHIT) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (EVIL)
PS - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.
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