Dear Wife:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving
you for good. I've been a good man to you for seven years
and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks
have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had
quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't even notice I had
gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal and even
wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You came home and
ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching
all of your soaps.
You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex
anymore or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you
don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.
Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving
away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Husband:
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It's true that you and I have been married for seven years,
although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I
watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant
whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.
I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, the first
thing that came to mind was "You look just like a girl!"
but my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't
say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal,
you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER.
I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers
on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that
it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed
fifty dollars from me that morning ... And your silk boxers
were $49.99.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we
could work it out.
So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for
ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets
to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything
happens for a reason I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My
lawyer said that with the letter that you wrote, you
won'tget a dime from me. So take care.
Signed
Rich As H_e_l_l and Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carla, my
sister, was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.
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