DISCLAIMER: I can't take credit for this, but it had no author. It was forwarded to me by another mortgage broker who got it from their processor. If someone knows the author, please let me know as I would love to thank them for the laugh and give them credit.
Dear Po-dunk Mortgage Broker,
Very Important - Guideline Changes Effective August 13th, 2007
- All borrowers must have one blue eye and one brown eye to qualify
- LTV > 65% SIVA requires a minimum credit score of 849
- For all LTV > 65%, 360 months of payment reserves now required
- Borrower's must have no previous bankruptcies in their family history going back three generations
- A minimum of 25 years self-employment history now required for all NIV Programs (at same location)
- Minimum Credit Score for Sub-prime loans raised to 720
- All non-arm's length transaction borrowers (mortgage, real estate professionals, family members) will be required provide full-documentation, subject to criminal background checks, wire tapping, strip-searches, and a minimum of 12 hours of interrogation with the Department of Homeland Security
Please note that these changes will go into effect within the next five minutes. So, lock your existing loans immediately. All existing loans in your pipeline must fund by noon tomorrow.
We apologize for the inconvenience. We realize these are tough time in the mortgage industry for all of us. Be assured that we are committed to remaining strong and we will be able to weather the storm. We ask for your understanding and cooperation.
Management BIG MONEY LENDER