How to "de-code" Property Descriptions 101

SOPHISTICATED CITY LIVING - Next to a noisy bar.
OLD WORLD CHARM - Has some woodwork, needs cleaning.
CONTEMPORARY FEELING - Has no woodwork, needs cleaning.
CLOSE TO LAKES - Impossible to park from April to October.
WIDE OPEN FLOOR PLAN - Previous owner removed supporting walls.
SECURITY SYSTEM - Neighbor has a dog.
NEEDS TLC - Major structural damage.
UPDATED KITCHEN - Sink no longer overflows.
MOTIVATED SELLER - Has been on the market for 14 years.
CONVENIENT - Located on freeway entrance ramp.
MINT - Someone has spilled mouthwash on the carpet.
NEUTRAL DECOR - No murals of nudes, or Elvis, but has brown walls.
MOVE IN CONDITION - Front door missing.

COZY - No room larger than 9 x 6.
LOWER LEVEL FAMILY ROOM - Ping Pong table over sewer opening.
LIGHT OPEN SPACES - Many holes in walls and ceiling.
OUTSTANDING - Painted purple, sticks out like a sore thumb.
BOX ROOM - Suitable for accommodating one or two large cardboard boxes ... folded.
BY PRIVATE TREATY - If it went to auction it would never reach the reserve price.
COMPACT - Tiny.
COUNTRY GENTLEMAN'S RESIDENCE - No longer suitable for agricultural tenants.
DECEPTIVE APPEARANCE - It looks terrible.
DELIGHTFUL RURAL LOCATION - In flight path of nuclear bomber base.
EASILY MAINTAINED - Requires at least two gardeners and live-in maid.
EXTENSIVELY MODERNIZED - Former DIY owner had a breakdown under the strain.
FOR THE GARDENING ENTHUSIAST - Grounds like a jungle.
LOCAL AUTHORITY GRANTS AVAILABLE - About to be condemned.

MUCH SOUGHT AFTER - It's been on the market at least twice before and still no one wants it.
OWNER EAGER TO SELL - If it goes within a week the subsidence cracks won't be noticed.
PARTIAL CENTRAL HEATING - The room above the boiler can get warm in summer.
PERIOD RESIDENCE - Built in the last two years.
QUIET, SECLUDED SETTING - On site of proposed dormitory town.
RARE OPPORTUNITY TO BUY - No one else want's it.
SELECT NEIGHBORHOOD - Beside sewage works.
SOLD - Unless idiots like you offer a higher price.
SUBJECT TO NEW INSTRUCTIONS - They have just discovered death watch beetle.
UNSPOILED - Planning permission granted for field next door.
UNUSUAL FEATURES - No roof.
UNUSUAL LOCATION - In the path of a projected motorway.
USEFUL OUTBUILDINGS - No inside toilet.
WELL SITUATED - In full view of the neighbors.
WITHIN EASY DISTANCE OF - Next door to a pub