My Rare Stab at Humor - Attorney Humor, from an Attorney!

Reblogger John Michailidis
Real Estate Broker/Owner with Real Property Management of Sarasota & Manatee


As an attorney myself, I have to say that I LOVE THESE JOKES!  I hope that you enjoy them as much as I do . . . thanks to Larry Bettag for sharing them with us!


Original content by Larry Bettag NMLS ID# 158606

I'm a licensed real estate attorney.  But I have litigated in court.  Needless to say.....I have friends who send me this stuff from time to time.  It's good humor meant to keep me and us all humble.  Hope you enjoy.....

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts,
and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.

       ATTORNEY:   What was the first thing your husband said to you
        that morning?

       WITNESS:    He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

       ATTORNEY:   And why did that upset you?

       WITNESS:    My name is Susan.


       ATTORNEY:    What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

       WITNESS:    Gucci sweats and Reeboks.


       ATTORNEY:    Are you sexually active?

       WITNESS:    No, I just lie there.


       ATTORNEY:    This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory

        at all?

       WITNESS:    Yes.

       ATTORNEY:    And in what ways does it affect your memory?

       WITNESS:    I forget.

       ATTORNEY:    You forget? Can you give us an example of something
        you forgot?


       ATTORNEY:    Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved
        in voodoo?

       WITNESS:    We both do.

       ATTORNEY:    Voodoo?

       WITNESS:    We do.

       ATTORNEY:    You do?

       WITNESS:    Yes, voodoo.


       ATTORNEY:    Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies
        in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

       WITNESS:    Did you actually pass the bar exam?


       ATTORNEY:    The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is

       WITNESS:    He's twenty, much like your IQ.

       ATTORNEY:    Were you present when your picture was taken?

       WITNESS:    Are you shitting me?

       ATTORNEY:    So the date of conception (of the baby ) was August

       WITNESS:    Yes.

       ATTORNEY:    And what were you doing at that time?

       WITNESS:    Getting laid


       ATTORNEY:    She had three children, right?

       WITNESS:    Yes.

       ATTORNEY:    How many were boys?

       WITNESS:    None.

       ATTORNEY:    Were there any girls?

       WITNESS:    Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can
        I get a new attorney?

       ATTORNEY:    How was your first marriage terminated?

       WITNESS:    By death.

       ATTORNEY:    And by whose death was it terminated?

       WITNESS:    Take a guess.
       ATTORNEY:    Can you describe the individual?

       WITNESS:    He was about medium height and had a beard.

       ATTORNEY:    Was this a male or a female?

       WITNESS:    Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male .
       ATTORNEY:    Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
        deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

        WITNESS:    No, this is
        how I dress when I go to work.
       ATTORNEY:    Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
        performed on dead people?

       WITNESS:    All of them. The live ones put up too much of a
        fight .

       ATTORNEY:    ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school
        did you go to?

       WITNESS:    Oral.
       ATTORNEY:    Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

       WITNESS:    The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

       ATTORNEY:    And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

       WITNESS:    If not, he was by the time I finished.
       ATTORNEY:    Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

       WITNESS:   Are you qualified to ask that question?
       And the    best for last:

       ATTORNEY:    Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
        check for a pulse?

       WITNESS:    No.

       ATTORNEY:    Did you check for blood pressure?

       WITNESS:    No.

       ATTORNEY:    Did you check for breathing?

       WITNESS:    No.

       ATTORNEY:    So, then it is possible that the patient was alive
        when you began the autopsy?

       WITNESS:    No.

       ATTORNEY:    How can you be so sure, Doctor?

       WITNESS:   Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

       ATTORNEY:    I see, but could the patient have still been alive,

       WITNESS:    Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive
        and practicing law.

Larry Bettag - Regional Vice President, Midwest Region

Illinois FHA Specialist


 Cherry Creek Mortgage Company - Saint Charles, Illinois 

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An Illinois Residential Mortgage Licensee

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Maureen Fukumoto
Help-U-Sell Realty Pro - Mililani, HI

It's great to start off the year with a laugh.  Thanks

Jan 01, 2011 06:45 PM #1
John Michailidis
Real Property Management of Sarasota & Manatee - Sarasota, FL
Real Property Management of Sarasota & M

Maureen: Thanks for laughing! --JM

Jan 01, 2011 06:56 PM #2
Brin Realty Associates Team At Bean Group
Bean Group | Brin Realty Associates - Amherst, NH
Amherst NH homes and Southern NH real estate

Hi John, That's pretty good, a nice Sunday morning chuckle.  Happy New year.

Jan 01, 2011 10:15 PM #3
John Michailidis
Real Property Management of Sarasota & Manatee - Sarasota, FL
Real Property Management of Sarasota & M

Rene: HNY! to you too --JM

Jan 02, 2011 02:21 AM #4
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Real Property Management of Sarasota & M
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