For folks that just really don't have a clue about Grits - This is the best explanation of the history and preperation of Grits!!! You just got to love them!!!
What Are Grits?
Some folks believe grits are grown on bushes and are harvested by midgets by
shaking the bushes after spreading sheets around them. Many people think grits
are made from ground up bits of white corn. These are lies spread by Communists
and terrorists. Nothing as good as a Grits can be made from corn. Research
suggests that the mysterious Manna that God rained down upon the Israelites
during their time in the Sinai Desert was most likely Grits. Critics disagree,
stating that there is no record of biscuits, butter, salt, and red eye gravy
raining down from the sky, and that God would not punish his people by forcing
them to eat Grits without these key ingredients.
How Grits are Formed:
Grits are formed deep underground under intense heat and pressure. It takes over
1000 years to form a single Grit. Most of the world's grit mines are in Georgia
, and are guarded day and night by armed guards and attack dogs. Harvesting the
Grit is a dangerous occupation, and many Grit miners lose their lives each year
so that Grits can continue to be served morning after morning for breakfast--not
that having Grits for lunch and dinner is out of the question.
Yankees have attempted to create a synthetic Grits. They call them Cream of
Wheat. As far as we can tell, the key ingredients of Cream of Wheat are Elmer's
Glue and shredded Styrofoam. These synthetic grits have also been shown to cause
nausea, and can leave you unable to have children.
Historical Grits:
As mentioned earlier, the first known mention of the Grits was by the Ancient
Israelites in the Sinai Desert. After that, Grits were not heard from for
another 1000 years. Grits were used during this time only during secret
religious ceremonies, and were kept from the public. The next mention of Grits
was found amidst the ruins of the ancient city of Pompeii in a woman's personal
diary discovered in the seat of an old sedan. The woman's name was Herculania
Jemimana, who was known as Aunt Jemima to her friends.
The Ten Commandments of Grits:
I. Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits
II.Thou shalt not eat thy Grits with a spoon or knife
III.Thou shalt not eat Cream of Wheat and call it Grits, for this is blasphemy
IV. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Grits
V.Thou shalt use only Salt, Butter, and red eye gravy as toppings for thy Grits
VI. Thou shalt not eat Instant Grits
VII. Thou shalt not put ketchup on thy Grits
VIII. Thou shalt not put margarine on thy Grits.
IX. Thou shalt not eat toast with thy Grits, only biscuits made from scratch .
X. Thou shalt eat grits on the Sabbath for this is manna from heaven.
How to Cook Grits:
For one serving of Grits: Boil 1.5 cups of water with salt and a little butter.
Add 5 Tbsp of Grits. Reduce to a simmer and allow the Grits to
soak up all the water. When a pencil stuck into the grits stands alone, they are
done. That's all there is to cooking grits.
How to make red eye gravy: Fry salt cured country ham in cast-iron pan. Remove
the ham when done and add coffee to the gravy and simmer for several minutes.
Great on grits and biscuits.
How to Eat Grits:
Immediately after removing your grits from the stove top, add a generous portion
of butter or red eye gravy. Do NOT use low-fat butter.
The butter should cause the Grits to turn a wondrous shade of yellow. Hold a
banana or a yellow rain slicker next to your Grits; if the colors match, you
have the correct amount of butter. In lieu of butter, pour a generous helping of
red eye gravy on your
grits. Be sure to pour enough to have some left for sopping up with your
biscuits. Use biscuits made from scratch. Never, ever substitute canned or
store-bought biscuits for the real thing because they can cause cancer, tooth
decay and impotence. Next, add salt. The correct ratio of Grit to Salt is 10:1
Therefore for every 10 grits, you should have 1 grain of salt. Now begin eating
your grits. Always use a fork, never a spoon, to eat Grits. Your grits should be
thick enough so they do not run through the tines of the fork. The correct
beverage to serve with Grits is black coffee. DO NOT use cream or, heaven
forbid, Skim Milk. Your grits should rarely be eaten in a bowl because Yankees
will think it's Cream of Wheat.
Ways to Eat Leftover Grits:
Leftover grits are extremely rare and may only be a rumor. Spread them in the
bottom of a casserole dish, Cover and place them in the refrigerator overnight.
The Grits will congeal into a gelatinous mass. Next morning, slice the Grits
into squares and fry them in 1/2' of cooking oil and butter until they turn a
golden brown. Many people are tempted to pour syrup onto Grits served this way.
This is, of course, unacceptable but delicious.
BLESSING BEFORE EATING GRITS
May the Lord bless these grits,
May Yankees never get the recipe,
May I eat grits each day while living,
And may I die while eating grits.
AMEN
--
You can't stay young forever, but you can stay immature for the rest of your
life.
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