My Self-Imposed Exile from God
I don’t know about you, but from time to time, I feel pretty far away from God. I wish it weren’t so. I wish each day, I would wake up brimming with faith…but I don’t. During these periods, as hard as I try to focus my thoughts on good and righteous things…there seems to be this static in the airwaves between God and me.
I have felt this way the past several months, and it is reflected in the lack of postings on my blog. I use this blog as my formal prayer to God. Looking back over my blog posting record, it appears I have been on a spiritual vacation.
It’s funny…really…I spent the better part of my life living apart from God, just as I have these past several months. Yet, during those earlier times; I never felt different. I never felt sullen. I never felt alone. But now, over the past several years; when I hit these periods when I feel separated from God...I feel such emptiness. I feel incomplete.
It’s during these empty periods when the doubt creeps in. It’s during these times when I question what I believe. It’s during these moments when the world’s problems seem overwhelming…when my problems seem overwhelming. Outwardly, to the world, I put a smile on my face; but inside of me there is an emotional chasm which seems unmanageable.
I think these periods of self-imposed exile from God are so draining, at this stage of my life, because I have experienced moments when I was totally connected with the Holy Spirit. Unless it has happened to you, there are no words to describe that moment in time. Perhaps it is easier to describe that feeling of emptiness when that connection evaporates. You are left with an aching for that connection to the world beyond this one.
In rereading what I have written so far, to some I am going to come off as a crazy person. To those who know God, this will make perfect sense…well, maybe.
In any event, I think my spiritual vacation is coming to a close. I am getting that spring back in my step of faith. I am getting my zest for life back. And you know the best part? God will be there with open arms to welcome me back home. Gosh, it is going to seem good to be home once again!
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