Is It Really Better To Have Loved and Lost... Then to Never Have Loved?

By
Real Estate Agent with New Home Hunters of Fort Worth and Tarrant County

Earlier tonight I read a post by Karen Fiddler in which she talked about the recent death of her beloved husband David.  The theme of her post was that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger... and that the love they had... still remains.  Gosh, I wish I had her strength.  

For me, it has been years... more years than I care to mention... since I lost the love of my life.  And yes... there are days that I go through, and do not think of my sweetie... my "split-apart"as Demi Moore's character in "The Butcher's Wife" called the love of her life.

But... then there's last night.  I woke up in the middle of the night.  Just because.  No Reason.

I always take my cell phone to bed with me... just in case my daughter calls... but also because I just have a problem with waking up and not knowing what time it is.

So, when I woke up... I clicked on my cell... and it was 3:27am.  And guess whose birthday March 27th was?  I saw it... the 3:27... and immediately broke down into tears. 

I sobbed and sobbed... feeling the loss again.   The affair... the betrayal... the divorce.  Once again it was right there... four-square in the middle of my heart and soul... just like it had happened yesterday.

I remember going to a movie several years ago.  The main point of the movie (the title of which I do not remember) was about being able to totally wipe away the memory of someone... usually a past love. Totally wipe it away, so there would be no more hurt.  But there would also be no "other" memories of that love, either.

I don't remember how the movie turned out... but I do know I remember giving the idea sooo much thought... and then deciding that I just could not do it.  I would choose to keep the memories... even though they would include (on some days) the crippling pain.

So... is it true that what doesn't kill us... makes us stronger?  I don't know about that... but I do know that some days the hurt is so bad I would just rather not go through another day.

~                                        ~                                        ~

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Comments (51)

John McCormack, CRS
Albuquerque Homes Realty - Albuquerque, NM
Honesty, Integrity, Results, Experienced. HIRE Me!

Good evening Karen -

Wow... A powerful post my friend.  I have never had my heart really broken by a lover but  the loss of my first sister.... then the loss of another sister to cancer about killed me.  So I know what pain is, I know what waking up in the middle of the night on a certain date means... It hurts deeply.  Who knows it probably always will  but we keep on keeping on and get by with a little help from our friends. 

Sep 15, 2012 12:16 PM
Kathy Streib
Room Service Home Staging - Delray Beach, FL
Home Stager - Palm Beach County,FL -561-914-6224

Ms Karen- so many times we see people but we have no idea the pain they may be suffereing or the losses they have endured.  I am sorry that you are still hurting and if I had a magic band-aid, I'd send it right over to you.  

Sep 15, 2012 12:21 PM
Paige Walker
Paige Walker - Pineville, LA
Real Estate Guru - Alexandria Pineville LA

Karen - I believe it has made you stronger....because you have just showed us how strong you are by sharing this with us! Thanks

Sep 15, 2012 12:35 PM
Andrea Bedard
Thompson Company, REALTORS® 240.593.2860 - Silver Spring, MD
Fluent in German and Real Estate * M.A. ABR ASP

Hi Ms. Karen Anne, I'm not sure I believe in the saying What doesn't kill us makes us stronger ... we may learn a few tricks and/or coping strategies but does it really make us a stronger person or just ... different? I'm going to have to read about the contest but judging by the glimpses I've gotten from other posts, I'm suspecting this will open pandora's box for me ..

On another note, it does take a lot of strength to share your story. I got a feeling, however, that you were already that strong person before your heart was broken. I'm really sorry to hear about it ... I do know what it's like to wake up in the middle of the night and feel the pain. It's hard but freeing in a sense, too .. isn't it?

 

Sep 15, 2012 12:55 PM
Sussie Sutton
David Tracy Real Estate - Houston, TX
David Tracy Real Estate for Buyers & Sellers

I am so sorry that happened to you. I hope that you find a new love soon.

Sep 15, 2012 01:13 PM
Toni Weidman
Sailwinds Realty - Trinity, FL
20+ Years Selling Homes in New Port Richey, FL

So sorry that you had to go through (and continue to go through) that pain, Karen Anne. Life has a way of getting in the way.

Sep 15, 2012 09:00 PM
Coral Gundlach
Compass - Arlington, VA
Real Lives. Not Just Real Estate.

Karen Anne, what raw post.  You are brave for sharing so much of your feelings here - that does take a lot of strength!  My heart aches for your loss and betrayal as the wound is still clearly raw.  I am not sure how long ago this happened, but hope you do have some positive dividends from the love and can move on with clarity.  I don't think something like that ever completely leaves us, and the sudden rush of feelings will keep coming, but hopefully they don't dominate your thoughts. 

Sep 15, 2012 10:42 PM
William Feela
WHISPERING PINES REALTY - North Branch, MN
Realtor, Whispering Pines Realty 651-674-5999 No.

Karen...I understand the loss, having gone through it myself.   It took me a while but I did move on.  But every now and again...it creeps in.

Just remember the good part you talk about...your Daughter.

Sep 16, 2012 11:25 AM
Michael J. Gallo
Florida Luxury Realty - New Port Richey, FL
Florida Luxury Realty - Gulf Home Sales Team

Karen Ann: If you feel it or not, you are stronger.  The events in our lives no matter how wonderful or painful they are help to make us who we are as we move through life.  I have been in your shoes and I know that not all situations are the same but  I still think of them from time to time and feel sad about what became of us.  However, over the years my pain and hurt has been replaced with mild anger (lol) and pitty.  Pitty for them.  They lost such a great thing in me with their actions and deceptions.  I hope that one day you feel that you are truly better off without them.  It's their loss.  Please make a NEW Memory this March 27th.  A memory of your own and a memory of joy.   All the Best to You.

Sep 16, 2012 10:42 PM
Lanre-"THE REAL ESTATE FARMER" Folayan
Keller Williams Select Realtors-Buy a home in Washington DC. Sell a home in Washington DC - Bowie, MD
I don't make promises.I deliver results.SOLD HOMES

Hello Karen. How are you? Its been a while so I decided to stop by and say hello. Touching post by the way. You are a strong woman because day after day inspite of your loss,you still find a way to keep pushing on. It's not easy getting over a death especially of a loved one. But I know that your story will give someone courage and strength to know that if you can continue to make it through every day,I can too. Thanks for sharing your story Karen.

Sep 18, 2012 09:23 AM
Sun City Grand Homes Surprise AZ Real Estate Leolinda Bowers Designated Broker Leolinda Realty
Leolinda Realty - Surprise, AZ
Sun City Grand in Surprise Arizona

Even though you may be so low that you find dirt in your eyes, continue to look up; stay strong. You are in my prayers.

Sep 18, 2012 03:19 PM
C. Lloyd McKenzie
Living Albuquerque - Albuquerque, NM
Living Albuquerque

Hi Karen:

This post is a testament to your strength.  Often, we are not aware of our strength, but it helps us to carry on one day at a time.  Your words are so profound and they do resonate in ways that you may not imagine.  Thank you.  Have a great week.  Blessings

Sep 18, 2012 10:56 PM
Kerrie La Guardia
ActiveRain, Community Manager - Kirkland, WA
Let it Rain!

I feel your pain through your post Karen Anne.  And I'm sorry.

I think the movie you're talking about is Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.  A movie that has stuck with me too. I wish you sound sleep and an easy heart.  

Sep 19, 2012 06:58 AM
Ellen Caruso
Daniel Gale Sotheby's International Realty - Glen Head, NY

Karen Ann, Hold on to the memories, love's lost can never be forgotten. And coincidence's like those with the clock are there to remind us our loved ones are thinking of us as well.

Sep 19, 2012 10:33 AM
Michael O'Donnell
Berkshire Hathaway Home Services Arizona Properties - Scottsdale, AZ
GRI, ePRO, Accessible Homes

Perhaps the phrase should be "what doesn't kill us makes us diiferent". Until the birth of my son, the love of my life was a fiancee who died of breast cancer 38 years ago. For this "unfairness" I hated the world for several decades, and I can still cry about the loss all these years later.

It doesn't go away, but you may be able to change the way you process it. Or perhaps not.

Sep 19, 2012 03:23 PM
Jo-Anne Smith
Oakville, ON

Karen Anne,

I remember reading the post awhile ago where you told the story of what happened, and I was deeply saddened that you went through this. Although they say everything happens for a reason, I never really understand why painful things happen and not sure they always lead to better things, but perhaps they do.  I always keep this hope.

Jo

Sep 25, 2012 11:10 AM
Brian L. Sirota, Esq.
Bristar Realty (Realtor/Attorney) - Orange, CA
For Solutions: (714) 501-7660

Karen, I became a fan of yours because you're so dang honest.   No pretending that everything must have a happy ending to be valid.    

We share a similar outlook.  Catch-all phrases like "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger" seems awfully contrived.  Despite its popularity, it's inherent silly; those who succumbed to their circumstances aren't around to talk about it. 

Perhaps more imporantly, the very notion that strength is necessarily a byproduct of difficult times diminishes the uniqueness of the human experience.  

I understand how the devastation of blindsided betrayal can trigger long-lasting pain, and I'm so sorry that you're having to endure it.   Brian

Oct 02, 2012 04:59 AM
Margaret Rome Baltimore 410-530-2400
HomeRome Realty 410-530-2400 - Pikesville, MD
Sell Your Home With Margaret Rome

Choose to keep the memories... even though they would include the pain. Hope you sleep well.

Margaret

Oct 02, 2012 02:05 PM
Joni Bailey
101 Main St. Realty - Huntsville, TX
Your Huntsville / Lake Livingston Area REALTOR®

I'm with you... I'll keep the memories. The good.... and the unbearable... Ditto Kerrie's comment. She said it so perfectly. ♥

Oct 17, 2012 08:55 AM
Dawn A Fabiszak
Private Label Realty ( Denver metro area, Colorado - Aurora, CO
The Dawn of a New Real Estate Experience!

Karen Anne ~ I've been away from AR for several months for personal health reaons and have surfing around.  Your post caught my eye due to the many people I lost in my life in 2011.  I agree with you.  There are so many days that I not only wake up, but have a thought and just lose it.  The pain comes over me uncontrollably, but I also have the moments of the joyful memories.  It's such a fine line to which I have no answer.

Nov 01, 2012 10:54 PM

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