"Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home."
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two..."
Sir Norman Wisdom
"Income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf."
"I can resist everything except temptation."
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing. I ought to know. I've done it a thousand times."
"Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle."
"The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on." - Robert Bloch
"Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance." - Phyllis Diller
"Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn't expect to be paid back." - Source Unknown
"Please provide the date of your death." - from an IRS letter
"I'm allergic to food. Every time I eat it breaks out into fat." - Jennifer Greene Duncan
"Health : what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down."
- Phyllis Diller