At the tender age of 9, I read a quote that has forever been implanted in my mind. I find that to be astonishing especially in times when my mind seems to be the slipping slide of fodder.
"If only one woman would tell the truth of her life, the world would split wide open." Anonymous
Now why on earth would that make such an enormous impact on a 9 year old?
Well maybe it was because at the time I most likely felt guilty for my latest prank towards my little sister or the mere thought of the world "splitting wide open" just wasn't on my cool list. Either way, it has remained tucked neatly in my memory.
Many years later I find meaning in such a quote. After all, like most, I spend a majority of my day trying to hold my world together.
In the following list you will find humor in truth, and truth wrapped comfortably in half-truths.
I am certain, male or female, most of you can relate, whether you will admit it or not.
How to Win Friends and Influence People in High Heels, Red Lipstick, and Uncomfortable Clothes:
1. Fully accept comfort as a myth, a thing of the past, something other people only talk about.
Grab the most impractical item in your closet; it will obviously look the best. IF it doesn't require that you suck in, wince in pain, sit awkwardly, or walk as if on a tight wire grab something else.
2. Smile. Smile bigger, harder, until those veins in your forehead or throat throb with glee. If you manage to pull this one off without being committed, people will think you are definitely up to something that will make you look better than them. Priceless. Instant new friends.
3. Say the following words/phrases at least 356 times a day:
- You are the best
- I'm sorry
- Thank you so so much (must add additional so's)
- No YOU look BETTER especially to another woman!!! Never agree that you look HOT!! NEVER!
4. Never, EVER, EVER, let them know that you woke up dreading the process of taming your bedhead, covering puffy *wine* eyes, regretting that second cheese burger, fighting with your significant other about (fill in the blank), wondering when your arms starting waving back, and worrying that today will be the day that someone will notice that you really DON'T have it all figured out!
5. Ladies, or extremely secure gentlemen, wear lip stick, preferably red.
This wee bit of advice has made the difference in many of my "close call" days. Not too sure why exactly, maybe I appear fierce, or possibly people mistake me for the joker.