Madame Phyllis Diller Sayings!

By
Real Estate Agent with RE/MAX Realty Center

The Incisive Wit Of The Lovely And Gracious Lady Of Fame And Fun Madame Phyllis Diller ....

 

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. Phyllis Diller

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. Phyllis Diller

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight. Phyllis Diller

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out. Phyllis Diller

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once. Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. Phyllis Diller

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. Phyllis Diller

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off. Phyllis Diller

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed. Phyllis Diller

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. Phyllis Diller

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room. Phyllis Diller

If it weren't for football, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like. Phyllis Diller

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag. Phyllis Diller

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. Phyllis Diller

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. Phyllis Diller

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron. Phyllis Diller

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap? Phyllis Diller

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half. Phyllis Diller

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves. Phyllis Diller

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me. Phyllis Diller

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto. Phyllis Diller

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away. Phyllis Diller

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbour . Phyllis Diller

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee. Phyllis Diller

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children. Phyllis Diller

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.' Phyllis Diller

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing. Phyllis Diller

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type. Phyllis Diller =

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Rainmaker
1,184,919
Donald Urschalitz
One World Realty Inc. - Jupiter, FL
P.A. Realtor ABR RSPS North Palm Beach County

that is great thank you for the smiles.

Sep 19, 2013 11:28 PM #1
Rainmaker
3,097,070
Will Hamm
Hamm Homes - Aurora, CO
"Where There's a Will, There's a Way!"

Good Morning Kristin,  Boy she came up with some good ones, I can still see her and Bob Hope doing their thing together.

Sep 19, 2013 11:34 PM #2
Rainmaker
3,076,441
Kristin Johnston - REALTOR®
RE/MAX Realty Center - Waukesha, WI
Giving Back With Each Home Sold!

You bet Donald!

Will, I can't lol...a bit before my time ha ha hah!

Sep 19, 2013 11:37 PM #3
Ambassador
1,913,124
Hannah Williams
Re/Max Eastern inc. - Philadelphia, PA
Expertise NE Philadelphia & Bucks 215-953-8818

fUnny funny lady ..Thanks for the smiles today

Sep 20, 2013 12:21 AM #4
Ambassador
1,470,625
Toni Weidman
Sailwinds Realty - Trinity, FL
26 Years Selling Homes in New Port Richey, FL

A truly funny person and you had to laugh when she laughed. Thanks for the smiles, I needed it.

Sep 20, 2013 12:40 AM #5
Rainmaker
3,076,441
Kristin Johnston - REALTOR®
RE/MAX Realty Center - Waukesha, WI
Giving Back With Each Home Sold!

You bet Hannah!

Toni, I hope your day gets better, did they fix your glasses? 

Sep 20, 2013 12:44 AM #6
Rainmaker
668,432
Sharon & Bruce Walter
Keller Williams Realty Lafayette, IN - Lafayette, IN
West Lafayette homes for sale

Kristin, these are absolutely hysterical!!!!  I always loved her laugh.  We had a neighbor lady when growing up who laughed just like her!  Fond memories! 

Sep 20, 2013 12:57 AM #7
Rainmaker
3,076,441
Kristin Johnston - REALTOR®
RE/MAX Realty Center - Waukesha, WI
Giving Back With Each Home Sold!

Glad you liked them Bruce! 

Sep 20, 2013 01:17 AM #8
Ambassador
1,333,330
Charles Buell
Charles Buell Inspections Inc. - Seattle, WA
Seattle Home Inspector

She was a hoot---thanks for the trip down memory lane for some of them :)  Very funny.

Sep 20, 2013 02:05 AM #9
Ambassador
1,877,410
Gary Woltal
Keller Williams Realty - Flower Mound, TX
Assoc. Broker Realtor SFR Dallas Ft. Worth

Phyllis Diller is just hysterically crazy with ALL those funny ones Kristin.

Sep 20, 2013 02:15 AM #10
Rainmaker
3,076,441
Kristin Johnston - REALTOR®
RE/MAX Realty Center - Waukesha, WI
Giving Back With Each Home Sold!

You are most welcome CHarles :-)

 

Gary, I think so too!

Sep 20, 2013 02:45 AM #11
Rainmaker
1,431,110
Gene Riemenschneider
Home Point Real Estate - Brentwood, CA
Turning Houses into Homes

I knew who she was and that she was funny, but I had not heard that much of her material.  Kind of a female Rodney Dangerfield.  

Sep 20, 2013 03:21 AM #12
Rainmaker
3,076,441
Kristin Johnston - REALTOR®
RE/MAX Realty Center - Waukesha, WI
Giving Back With Each Home Sold!

I like that analogy  Gene :-)

Sep 20, 2013 03:39 AM #13
Ambassador
3,800,793
Kathy Streib
Room Service Home Staging - Delray Beach, FL
Home Stager - Palm Beach County,FL -561-914-6224

Kristin- so gald you shared these... I loved watching her do her routines.  She was definitely funny!

Sep 20, 2013 11:27 AM #14
Rainmaker
3,246,879
Lou Ludwig
Ludwig & Associates - Boca Raton, FL
Designations Earned CRB, CRS, CIPS, GRI, SRES, TRC

Kristin

Some of Phyllis Diller's quotes are real zingers.

Good luck and success.

Lou Ludwig

Sep 20, 2013 01:05 PM #15
Rainmaker
3,076,441
Kristin Johnston - REALTOR®
RE/MAX Realty Center - Waukesha, WI
Giving Back With Each Home Sold!

Glad you liked it Kathy!

Lou, zingers indeed :-)

Sep 20, 2013 11:58 PM #16
Ambassador
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Bob Crane
Woodland Management Service / Woodland Real Estate, Keller Williams Fox Cities - Stevens Point, WI
Forestland Experts! 715-204-9671

Kristin,

Thanks for the laughs as I end another Sunday night.

Sep 22, 2013 02:32 PM #17
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Rainmaker
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Kristin Johnston - REALTOR®

Giving Back With Each Home Sold!
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