Things to make you smile!

By
Real Estate Agent with KW Elite Keller Williams 1280 Plaza Blvd. Lancaster, PA 17601 AB067316
https://activerain.com/droplet/49MY

 

 

 

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous
dry, erudite, comic scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning,
and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."
His mind sees things differently than most of us do.

 

Here are some of his gems........

 

 

 

- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

 

- Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

 

- Half the people you know are below average.

 

- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

 

- 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

 

- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

 

- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

 

- If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.

 

- All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

 

- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

 

- I almost had a psychic girlfriend... But she left me before we met.

 

- OK, so what's the speed of dark?

 

- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

 

- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

 

- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

 

- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

 

- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

 

- Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

 

- I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

 

- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

 

- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

 

- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

 

- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your
horn louder."

 

- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

 

- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

 

- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

 

- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

 

- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

 

- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

 

- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

 

- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

 

- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

 

- Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

 

- If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

 

And the all-time favorite:

 

If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

 
 
Don Hess

RE/MAX ASSOCIATES OF LANCASTER
2421 Willow Street Pike
Willow Street, PA 17584
717 464-1200 OFFICE
717 715-6288 MOBILE
717 786-7967 HOME
hess39@comcast.net 
Check out my Blog "Quarryville Realtor" and search for homes:
http://activerain.com/blogs/dfh 

 

Posted by

Don Hess

Keller Williams of Central PA East, Lancaster Office

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Topic:
Just for Fun
Location:
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Groups:
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Southern York County
South Central Pennsylvania Realtors
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Rainer
96,962
Jeff Fritzson: Frisco Real Estate Pro
Jeff Fritzson Real Estate, Ebby Halliday Realtors - Frisco, TX
Your Success is My Focus!

And always I went to the store to buy batteries but they weren't included.

Jan 21, 2014 10:43 PM #1
Rainmaker
270,237
Don Hess
KW Elite Keller Williams 1280 Plaza Blvd. Lancaster, PA 17601 - Quarryville, PA

Love it! Thanks Jeff!

Jan 21, 2014 10:48 PM #2
Rainmaker
1,856,392
Michael J. Perry
KW Elite - Lancaster, PA
Lancaster, PA Relo Specialist

Wow a number of great ones in this list !!! I'll have to borrow a couple !

Jan 22, 2014 12:23 AM #3
Rainer
62,118
John Owen
Right at Home Realty Inc., Brokerage - Oshawa, ON
Broker serving Durham Region, Ontario

Don, great list to help break up a long night of work - Thanks!

Jan 22, 2014 03:09 PM #4
Rainmaker
270,237
Don Hess
KW Elite Keller Williams 1280 Plaza Blvd. Lancaster, PA 17601 - Quarryville, PA

We have snow and cold here in Pennsylvania John so you need something to distract you. Thanks much.

Jan 22, 2014 08:27 PM #5
Rainer
198,833
Randy Shamburger
Movement Mortgage - Greenville, SC
FHA, VA, USDA and Conventional Mortgage Expert

Great list, excellent post, thanks for sharing.

Have a Big day,

Randy

Jan 22, 2014 11:05 PM #6
Rainmaker
662,635
Mike McCann - Nebraska Farm Land Broker
Mike McCann - Broker, Mach1 Realty Farmland Broker-Auctioneer Serving Rural Nebraska - Kearney, NE
Farm Land For Sale 308-627-3700 or 800-241-3940

And he has the face to make all of these incredibly funny. Thanks for sharing!

 

Jan 23, 2014 12:18 AM #7
Ambassador
1,270,847
Jason Crouch
Austin Texas Homes, LLC - Austin, TX
Broker - Austin Texas Real Estate (512-796-7653)

I've always loved the comedy of Steven Wright. I am bookmarking this post.  :)

Jan 23, 2014 01:38 AM #8
Rainmaker
800,069
Jane Chaulklin-Schott
TEAMCONNECT REALTY - (407) 394-9766 - Orlando, FL
TeamConnect Luxury Homes - Orlando, Florida, 32836

Such a great list of funny stuff. Thank you, Don, for sharing. Still smiling.Have a nice Friday and weekend.

Jan 23, 2014 03:57 PM #9
Rainmaker
270,237
Don Hess
KW Elite Keller Williams 1280 Plaza Blvd. Lancaster, PA 17601 - Quarryville, PA

Thanks to all for visiting. Take care and all the best to you. Keep smiling!

Jan 24, 2014 02:15 AM #10
Rainmaker
373,349
Terri Poehler
Realtor - Coral Springs, FL
Coral Springs Real Estate Agent

I love that guy. I think his work is brilliant. I always try to catch his act.

Jan 31, 2014 09:23 PM #11
Rainmaker
270,237
Don Hess
KW Elite Keller Williams 1280 Plaza Blvd. Lancaster, PA 17601 - Quarryville, PA

Yeah, he's good!

Feb 04, 2014 06:38 AM #12
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