Choose Your Words Very Carefully
My dad used to tell me all the time, “It is better to remain silent and thought a fool than to speak up and remove all doubt.” History is unclear whether Lincoln, or Twain said it first…but my dad certainly said this kernel of wisdom on more than one occasion to my brother and me whenever we would speak out of turn.
Of all the things the priest, who married my wife and me some 45 years ago, said during marriage classes; this was the smartest, “You can never take it back once it comes out of your mouth.” He said it in context to learning to fight fairly…like we would ever fight…how silly! I can honestly say that I don’t think either of us said anything that really crossed over the line. Things were said that closely came up to that imaginary line-but we never said something so hurtful that the other wasn’t able to recover. Therefore, we are still happily married.
We like to lessen the impact of our words, by saying, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words (names) can never hurt me!” Deep down we know there isn’t a shred of truth to that statement. Many of us remain scared and damaged from things said to us. Many of us walk around with deep regret over things we have said to others.
I carry with me an incident that happened decades ago over something said to my mother at calling hours when my father passed away. My dad came down with adult onset leukemia, and died from it about 6 months after being diagnosed. One of the nurses who cared for my dad came to the funeral home and announced that my dad used to “cry like a baby” in his hospital room to my horrified mother. I am not sure of the nurse’s motivation. People do say stupid stuff under times of stress, so I will cut her some slack…but just a tiny bit.
Was she saying something about the lack of courage by my dad? Surely, none of us knows how we would react in the same situation…facing our death. The Bible says that Christ sweated blood, distraught over his own upcoming death. Regardless of what she witnessed, perhaps that was something she should have taken with her to her grave. Somehow, I can picture her standing in the hospital hallway eavesdropping on my father’s pain. Based on what she said, I don’t see her walking into my dad’s room to offer him any comfort.
My mom was completely destroyed over this woman’s thoughtless comment. My mom had to work during my dad’s sickness in order to pay the bills. Hearing this comment, my mother felt so guilty for not being there to offer comfort to my dad in his hour of need. She couldn’t stand the thought of the vision of my dad all alone in that hospital room.
Think words can’t hurt? I still remember those nurse’s words some four decades later.
We now live in the computer age where our ability to communicate has certainly improved. Unfortunately, what gets said has not. In fact, we are emboldened because we get to hide behind a computer screen. What was once said in person; which might earn you a punch in the nose, can now be safely said “anonymously”.
Two of my grandchildren in New York have been cyber-bullied by classmates to the point that they had to switch schools. It even was so bad that my daughter had to seek professional help because her children contemplated hurting themselves rather than face the continued onslaught of harassment.
As adults, what is our role in any of this? We aren’t in school or on the computer with our children to oversee what they say. We can’t be there for every interaction our children have. This is true, but we can constantly strive to teach our children EMPATHY. We spend an inordinate amount of time building up our children’s self-esteem, maybe we spend a tiny bit of time teaching our children about building up the self-esteem of those they encounter.
No one wants to think of their loved one in a hospital room all alone. No one wants to think of their child standing next to their school locker, destroyed by someone’s hurtful comment. No one wants to think of someone staring at their computer screen, tears streaming down their face. And yet, it happens every day. And the people doing the hurting are not two-headed monsters. They are the people we pack a lunch for and send out our doors to catch the bus.
I will end with this…“Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat.” Mother Teresa
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