If you really don’t want to sell, by all means, remember the following:
Don’t bother to replace the baseboards or receptacle covers after your DIY paint job
Speaking of paint, don’t bother to tape off windows and woodwork and also be sure to leave paint smears on the ceiling
Remove all of the light bulbs except for one dim bulb per room (no need to put bulbs in hallways)
For extra measure, be sure to add some old-fashioned heavy drapes to shut out light (tin foil over windows is sure fire)
Scrawl some well-placed graffiti laced with obscenities that everyone will understand
Pentagrams and swastikas are pretty universal as graffiti symbols go, but don’t count on everyone understanding gang signs or gangsta slang
Turn off the water and be sure to use the commodes afterward (don’t worry, in time someone will provide that service for you if you don’t tape down the lids)
Mow the lawn no more frequently than every three or four weeks (or better yet, only after the city posts it)
Don’t clean the kitchen floor after you have removed appliances
You'd be surprised how effective just a little bit of dirt can be
If you must leave appliances behind, avocado green, yellow, or dark brown are the preferred colors
Rip a couple of the window screens on the front side of the house; a cracked window or two will help, as well
Add a few strings of Christmas lights on the exterior of the house…those long, icicle ones work best
Be sure the basement has enough moisture to provide that familiar musty smell (dehumidifiers are an absolute no no). BONUS, enough moisture will also aid in mold growth
Orange or green shag carpet is recommended; extra points if the basement walls also have some shag carpet glued in place; peel 'n stick floor tiles are an option, as well, especially if some of them are loose and/or missing
Spider webs in the corners and a few bugs throughout lend a certain ambiance
Old newspapers in the driveway and accumulated mail in the mailbox will send a convincing message of abandonment
Overfilled gutters with hundreds of little maple trees growing in the debris are classic and should appeal to nature lovers
If the sidewalk and driveway are not sufficiently cracked, you can spill motor oil around to change their pristine look, or use the concrete surface as a backdrop while you spray paint objects that will leave fuzzy, mysterious shapes
SMELL! How could I have failed to mention that one? Any unpleasant odor will help keep the home unsold, but pet urine and stale cigarette smoke residue are reliable stand-bys
So see, if you really don't want to sell the house, there are tried and true methods to get your way; and really, you don't even have to do all of the above things. Concentrate on two or three, sometimes only one will do the trick.
As a last resort, be sure to over-price the house (even 10% too much will often work). Now seal the listing agent's fate by making it difficult to show. The art of doing that, however, is a topic for another blog.
Edit: I just thought of another absolutely perfect way to be sure your house doesn't sell...put a BLUE tarp on the roof (actually, any color will work, but blue is just so classic).
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