It has been a good month for weird twitter, that amusing little neighborhood where the comedians, comedy writers, malcontents and people who think they're funny hang out. Maybe you'll think they're funny too. Enjoy!
I love bath water. It's like a soup made from all the activities you did that day.
— Honest Toddler (@HonestToddler) October 12, 2015
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
— GoaT FacE ThrillA (@EndhooS) September 29, 2015
"LOOOOOKS!" -Vain zombie
— Robo-saurus (@ewfeez) May 13, 2015
If I could be any other person for one day, I'd be whoever gets to hang out with me that day.
— Jake Vig (@Jake_Vig) October 19, 2015
On Pangaea they ate salads with "1 Island dressing"! :-)
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) October 16, 2015
The best thing about working in real estate is you have a permanent excuse to get out of anything at anytime. #TBA
— TheBrokeAgent (@TheBrokeAgent) October 16, 2015
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) December 7, 2012
“Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure you are not just surrounded by assholes.” ~William Gibson
— Daily Zen (@dailyzen) October 15, 2015
The greatest book on procrastination will never be written.
— AlexaMac Brandes (@TheWoodenslurpy) October 10, 2015
When your wife tells you she started her period, the correct response is not "I figured".
— Rock (@TheMichaelRock) October 7, 2015