Divorce is supposed to happen to other people. Then one day, it’s you who is standing at the edge of a precipice. Divorce, an emotional path littered with misunderstandings, broken promises, tears and ultimately, hard decisions, is tough to recover from. Children, friends and family are caught in the crosshairs. Of course, so are the marital assets.
I know what this path is about. As a former Financial Advisor and now Realtor, I only wish I knew then what I know now. As the flight attendant says before every flight, “Parents, put the oxygen mask on yourself before you put it on your children.”
It is exactly what I didn't do.
I thought I might re-marry and would have plenty of time to recoup losses from an expensive lifestyle I couldn’t afford. My children continued to live in a house they were accustomed to, went to camps, took vacations and maintained a lifestyle that went well beyond my ex-spouse’s contributions.
Today, my biggest concern is not to be a future burden on my children. I didn’t re-marry; 2008 took my career off track for several years; I pursued a career change; I was in a car accident and out of work for two years. Life happened. I’m in a perennial state of catch-up. Now I wonder, will I be able to retire?
What could I have done differently?
- Educated myself better about finances. I would have consulted with a CPA, a Realtor and Financial Advisor…not just a divorce attorney… prior to initiating proceedings. There were a number of tax issues I should have better understood, so to make capital gain, deductions and exemptions work for me. I also wish I better understood the power of my retirement holdings, which I ceased contributing to with the kids at home. I learned what I needed, going through the divorce. It resulted in emotional decisions that worked against my financial stability. My divorce attorney knew how to get me a divorce but she couldn't replace the team of advisors I needed. At the time, I didn't know the questions to ask.
- I would have moved into a smaller house. Rather than treat the house as a real estate investment instead the entire focus was ‘a home for the kids’. The large house was expensive to maintain. What I could afford to fix, ate into my operating budget. Upon sale of the house, it was worth less than if I sold it at its peak. Instead, money locked up in the house, serviced only one line item...housing, as opposed to putting it to work in a diversified manner.
3. I wish I saved more for my future as opposed to spending on my kids. They didn’t need an expensive camp or vacation. We could have done with less and they wouldn’t have noticed. My kids came out the other side, doing better than I thought. Rather than protecting them from the divorce, in hindsight, I was just trying to make myself feel better.
I no longer rue the day I married my ex proving time does heal. Instead, I celebrate the independence, emotional health and vitality I've obtained post-divorce. Of course, my children were my greatest gift from the marriage. It was the right decision to divorce. I only wish I had done so smarter. Remember to put that oxygen mask on yourself first. Make decisions that focus on your long-term financial well-being and trust the rest will fall in place!
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