Emotions Choke Out My Words
- Funerals can paralze you with grief
- Have your words written down or they might never get said
I watched Jeb Bush give a beautiful eulogy for his mom. I envied his skill and composure to be able to hold it all together at such an emotional time.
It brought back memories of my mom's funeral several years ago.
My mom attended the same Ukrainian Greek Catholic church for all of her life. It's where she got married. She had probably seen many priests come and go throughout the years.
At the funeral, the current priest was in charge and did the customary mass. I hadn't been to the church for many years so I didn't recognize him. He was an older bearded priest who held himself out with a lot of authority.
But the one thing I didn't see in his eyes was any kind of empathy or compassion. His eyes were empty and soulless. I don't know if he had ever talked with my mom or knew anything about her. It just struck me how cold I felt when seeing him.
He seemed to want to get through the protocol and get on with his day. Maybe he had a few more funerals that day.
He went through the rituals and chanted the prayers and swung around the incense pot. I guess it's what my mom would have expected and wanted.
But then at the end of the mass, the priest just ended it with an Amen and told everyone about going to the cemetery for the burial.
I thought to myself, "Wait!!! That can't be it. There's so much to say about how wonderful my mom was" You just can't end it all with a few Hail Marys. Where's the eulogy and some words about my mom?
I had so much to say and I was ready to stand up and say my piece but as I was trying to stand up, I couldn't. The emotions just overpowered me and made me speechless. All I could do is sit there and cry. It was the most gut retching crying that I've ever experienced. It just couldn't be overcome. I'd be lucky to be able to get out one word.
Who wants to see a grown man stand there and sob uncontrollably. I prayed to God to to send me the power and inspiration to hold it together and say the things that deserved to be said. Unfortunately, it didn't come. I sat there paralyzed with grief.
I think one of my sisters might have said something at the end but I really can't remember anymore.
I should have planned ahead and written all my thoughts down ahead of time and given it to someone else to read.
So my mom got buried without much fanfare. Not that she was the type that wanted special attention.
I'm just glad that I was able to tell her how I felt years before she passed when it actually mattered.
I wish I could have been as eloquent as Jeb Bush.
I feel my mom deserved more than I was able to give.