You just got the call. He's coming at 10 am tomorrow just after the kids go off to school! He will only be here for 15 minutes.
Here comes that damned gurgly belly again. Oh no, oh no, oh no, what do I do??
Remember when you ratified your contract and your mother said to you, "Well, Honey, now there's nothing you can do. It's in God's hands."There is only one difference.
Her God is not THIS god.
THIS god does not have a capital G. In fact, sometimes, we call him many different, unprintable names, but it doesn't matter.
This god is known as the APPRAISER!!!!
And his 15 minute visit can rock your world.
Now, if you have hired me as your agent, you can just chuckle and remember to kick the dirty underwear under the bed before you go off to work tomorrow because you know I will take care of it.
If you are on your own, then keep reading!!
This is what you DON'T do:
Don't meet him at the door in stilettos and an apron.
Don't offer him a cup of coffee. He did not come to visit.
Don't turn on all those smelly things and light candles.
Don't show him around and brag about the great job your husband and his buddies did one drunken weekend on the kitchen. Without a permit.
Don't apologize for the way the house looks/smells.
Don't let the dogs maul his leg or any other body part.
Don't follow him around the house to see what he does.
Don't run your mouth.
IF you do any one of those things, god will ask you if you know how many square feet your addition is. You will get flustered and tell him you don't know, but you will go find out for him.
You run to the bedroom to find the box of paperwork under the bed. You're tossing things everywhere looking for that one lousy piece of paper. You are sweating. You can't find it. You are frantic. You know it's here. You call your husband. Where is it??????? I need it!!!!! God wants it!!!!!! You finally find it hidden in the shoebox in the closet. It has taken what seems like forever.
You run down the stairs and present it to god who looks at it for all of 1/1000th of a second and says, "oh yeah, I have that."
And then he leaves......
DO NOT chase after his car when he leaves to ask if the house appraised.