1. My Mom always told me if you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all. And some people wonder why I'm so quiet around them.
2. I need to go on medication, so I can slap stupid people and blame it on the side effects.
3. You never appreciate what you have until it's gone. Toilet paper is a good example.
4. Remember when people had diaries and got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don't.
5. Do you ever go out, and while you're out, you think, "This is exactly why I don't go out"?
6. It's hard to diet when your favorite exercise is chewing.
7. The biggest lie I tell myself is, "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
8. Middle Age: That time in your life when you finally get your head together and then your body starts to fall apart.
9. True friends don't judge each other. They judge other people... together!
10.When I was a kid we didn't have behavioral disorders. They called it "being a brat"... it was a simple as that.
11. I think my iPhone is Broken.... I pressed the Home button and I'm still at Work...
12. Life is too short to be serious all the time. So, if you can't laugh at yourself, call me.... I'll laugh at you.
"A cheerful heart is good medicine." Proverbs 17:22