Why you should never try to change someone

Industry Observer with Justine Mfulama

The other day I watched a viral video on YouTube that happened to be from Will Smith. The video was titled “What is Love”. In the video, he goes on to define love and how you can excel at it. However, one example stuck with me. 

And that was when he compared love to the relationship between a gardener and a flower. 

A gardener tends to a flower because he wants the flower to be what the flower is designed to be. His only goal is for the flower to bloom and blossom into the most beautiful version of what God intended it to be. He does not desire for it to become what he needs or wants it to be to satisfy his ego. 

So he gives and nourishes it into its greatness.

And that’s exactly what real love should be. A selfless attempt to give your best to the other person hoping they will become everything God ever intended them to be and not what you want them to be. 

Unfortunately, I know too many women that obsess over what they believe their partner’s potential is. They create a vision in their mind and then try by all means to bring it to life, without taking into account if he really wants that for himself.

They want him to be more ambitious, more adventurous or maybe more of the stay at home settling kind of guy. And that’s a serious problem. 

In this post, I’m going to give you 3 reasons why you should never try to change someone.


1. He will resent you

What happens when you try to convince someone to do something they don’t really want to do? 

They abandon it after a while because they were never invested in it in the first place. They don’t have the drive, desire or interest in pursuing that thing. 

And that’s exactly what happens when you try to convince your partner to commit, to settle down or to marry you. He might give in because he feels pressured to do so, but if he never really wanted it himself, he will eventually realize that and resent you for it. 

2. You are focused on the wrong person

The bible says in Matthew 7 to first look at ourselves before we look to blame someone else.

Rather than trying to change or fix your partner, you should focus on yourself and question your own behavior in the relationship. Ask yourself why you are staying in a relationship with someone that is not giving you what you need. 

Your subconscious desire to stay in a dysfunctional relationship shows traces of codependency and will lead to your own detriment if you don’t tackle that behavior. 

So, focus on yourself, identify what you truly want from a partner and relationship and then take the necessary steps to get what you want without putting the pressure on him.

3. You would not want someone to change you

I love the scripture that says “ you are fearfully and wonderfully made” because it gives me reassurance that I am exactly the way God wanted me to be. I use it to feel confident in myself, empowered about my purpose and excited for the future. And I hope you do too.


Now, imagine if someone came in and criticized everything you do, everything you like, and everything you are. How would that make you feel? Good? Probably not. And that is the same for men. 


Even though a lot of women, assume men do not deal with the same insecurities as we do, you are wrong because they do. They fear being rejected, they fear abandonment and they fear failure. 

So, if you repeatedly make him feel like he is not good enough for you, he will eventually distance himself. Nobody wants to feel like their partner does not love them for who they are. Therefore, put yourself into his shoes before you ever try to change him. 

No matter how desperate you are to make things work, trying to change someone will always backfire on you. 


Comments (11)

Kathy Streib
Room Service Home Staging - Delray Beach, FL
Home Stager - Palm Beach County,FL -561-914-6224

Hi Justine and welcome to ActiveRain. I love your post and will look for the Will Smith video. You are so right...we can't try to change others but perhaps changes we make in ourselves can bring about changes in others. 

Nov 16, 2019 12:11 PM
Kathy Streib
Room Service Home Staging - Delray Beach, FL
Home Stager - Palm Beach County,FL -561-914-6224


Nov 16, 2019 06:51 PM
Barbara Todaro
RE/MAX Executive Realty - Retired - Franklin, MA
Previously Affiliated with The Todaro Team

Good morning, Justine Mfulama nice first post.....and welcome to ActiveRain.... this topic is one we don't usually address and it should be.... attempting to change ourselves is difficult ..... trying to change another is impossible and one has no right to do that....we are who we are....if one does not like how we are, then it's time to part ways.... or it's time to be more understanding and accepting.

Nov 17, 2019 05:23 AM
Michael Jacobs
Pasadena, CA
Los Angeles Pasadena 818.516.4393

Hello Justine - maybe it's the "lightbulb moment" in ourselves that needs to be switched...  Maybe.  

Nov 17, 2019 05:48 AM
Dorie Dillard Austin TX
Coldwell Banker Realty ~ 512.750.6899 - Austin, TX
NW Austin ~ Canyon Creek and Spicewood/Balcones

Good morning Justine Mfulama,

Welcome to Active Rain! I'm so glad that Kathy Streib featured your post in her "Ah-ha" moments for the week as I missed your first post. Good topic and I will check out Will Smiths video.

Nov 17, 2019 07:19 AM
Kat Palmiotti
406-270-3667, kat@thehousekat.com, Broker, eXp Realty - Kalispell, MT
Helping your Montana dreams take root

Good morning and welcome to ActiveRain. I agree, trying to change someone never works, just as when someone tries to change us we dig our feet in. 

I see you are interested in flipping houses. I wish you success!

Nov 17, 2019 07:28 AM
Ron and Alexandra Seigel
Napa Consultants - Carpinteria, CA
Luxury Real Estate Branding, Marketing & Strategy


Welcome to Active Rain, so glad Kathy Streib featured your post. and we both enjoy Will Smith.  A

Nov 17, 2019 09:24 AM
James Dray
Fathom Realty - Bentonville, AR
Exceptional Agents, Outstanding Results

Morning Justine.

Welcome to the Rain, thanks to Kathy Streib I enjoyed your post, thanks

Nov 18, 2019 12:33 AM
Tom Bailey
Margaret Rudd & Associates Inc. - Oak Island, NC

Welcome to AR Justine. I learned the hard way in my first marriage about trying to change people. Nobody changes until they are ready to change

Nov 18, 2019 04:27 AM
Jeff Dowler, CRS
eXp Realty of California, Inc. - Carlsbad, CA
The Southern California Relocation Dude

Hi Justine:

Thank you for sharing your thoughts on a topic we don't see discussed very often! Welcome to ActiveRain!


Nov 18, 2019 11:24 AM
Sharon Tara
Sharon Tara Transformations - Portsmouth, NH
New Hampshire Home Stager

Welcome to the Rain Justine! What a wonderful message! Thank you!

Dec 06, 2019 01:14 PM