Happy New Year and welcome to a surprise edition of the Grab Bag, provided today courtesy of some ceaseless nagging and whining from old friends - I won't tell you who they are to protect their reputations.
As for me, it's quite the feeling to know that my AR legacy isn't all of my thoughtfully incisive industry analysis, the clarity of my commentary on the issues of the day, or the brilliant insights provided by my market reporting. Nope. It's because I repost weirdly subversive and offensive tweets from a really questionable corner of a disreputable website. And that's a better deal, legacy-wise, than I usually get, so I'll happily take it, and in return, show my appreciation by gifting you this latest batch from Weird Twitter - please enjoy them responsibly:
It's important to remember that everyone you meet is on their own hard journey through life so give them a smile as you pass by and hope they don't find out it was you who backed into their car
Why am I the only naked person at this gender reveal party?
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Garden of Eden apple tree, the site of the original sin. Also the site of original wood.
Another wooden ball. Would it kill the makers of avocados to include a different toy, like a mood ring or a novelty eraser?
"Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here's the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands."
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Obi-Wan: Mos Eisley Spaceport. You'll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Even worse than Space Denny's?
OW: Obviously I wasn't counting Space Denny's.
If you want to be successful, try geology. There are rocks all over the place. Anyone can find one.
DON'T SELF-SABOTAGE WHEN THERE ARE SO MANY OTHER PEOPLE THAT DESPERATELY NEED TO BE FUCKED WITH
Got one of those laser pointer things for my cat, and now I'm having to sit through all these presentations.
If you're just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, "Is this really all there is to life?" and the answer is no! There's also back pain.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys...
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they'd be only 11.5 inches tall?
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
i don’t like asparagus so i take asparagus extract capsules to get that cool pee smell
Interviewer: it says here you’re not afraid to challenge authority
Me: no it doesn’t
Big sisters are supposed to teach you all the important things like how you do your make up, and how to talk to boys, but most importantly to never go into a bathroom stall after someone who won't make eye contact with you.
DINOSAUR: *unwraps gallon of gas* omg is this-
ME: *beaming* it’s your grandma
In Hell, the holiday season is exactly like it is on earth.
I'm sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
You'll know it's time for a colonoscopy when you don't know who the musical guest on SNL is.
Is it nunchucks or numchucks? I want my LinkedIn profile to be perfect
I remember when I was a kid I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips 2 candy bars 6 packs of starburst and a cold drink. nowadays they got cameras everywhere