A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."
If the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then lefties are the only ones in their right mind.
A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down the road when he passed a policeman who said, "Now, now young lad, I think you had better take that monkey the zoo." The next day, the boy was walking down the road with the monkey on his shoulder again, when he passed the same policeman. The policeman said, "Hey there, I thought I told you to take that money to the zoo!" The boy answered, "I did! Today I'm taking him to the cinema."
You know why you never see elephants hiding up in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Why the long face?”
How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate his pizza before it was cool.
What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic? Someone who lays awake at night pondering the existence of dog.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Why don’t blind people skydive? Because it scares their dogs.
I stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was. Then it dawned on me.
I couldn’t believe the highway department called my dad a thief. But when I got home, the signs were all there.
Why did the cowboy get a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggie.
Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! The Empire State Building can’t jump.
What did the duck say when it bought some lipstick? “Put it on my bill.”
George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughey get together to make a movie.
Clooney says, “I’ll direct.”
DiCaprio says, “I’ll act.”
McConaughey says, “I’ll write, I’ll write, I’ll write.”