My boyfriend doesn’t make me happy anymore. And when I say this I say it with more love than I could ever have for him. But it’s true.
You see there used to be a time in my life, where his presence, his mood, and his commitment to me would determine how happy I was.
As a woman with a secure attachment style, mixed with anxious tendencies that meant that during the dating phase I would freak out and question his commitment to me anytime he asked for space or traveled home to visit his family.
Later on, during our first relationship season, I would get worried and feel inadequate every time he was stressed with work and hence less focused on our relationship. Any sign of uncertainty would send me down a rollercoaster of emotions anticipating the worst.
And much later during our breakup, I would fall into long periods of depression because I perceived his decision to pursue a new job in a new city to be a form of rejection.
For weeks and months, I would question my life and my worth. Was I not good enough, beautiful enough, or accomplished enough for him to desire to stay?
Needless to say, that time in my life was stressful and robbed me of many sleepless nights.
It came to a point when I realized that I had never been in charge of my own happiness. Instead, I had outsourced the job to him, even though I was the only one that was capable of doing it.
Thankfully, after a lot of months and growth later, things look different.
My boyfriend doesn’t make me happy anymore. Instead, he adds to my happiness. Like the icing on the cake, he makes an already perfect life even more perfect.
My happiness is now my job, and so is his.
Instead of assuming that every decision or action on his part is tied to how much he loves me I now don’t allow it to affect me anymore.
I have done the work needed to move closer to a secure attachment style and rest in the awareness that I am the *ish.
I am finally in control of my happiness and know how to stir it. I know the ins and outs of the ship. The hidden moves to get back on track and the times that I just need to ride it out.
It’s empowering, it’s invigorating, and it’s inspiring. It’s what I wish I knew before.
But the best part is, that our relationship has now become more satisfying and enjoyable. We are both encouraging and accepting of the learning and personal growth we need to do. We allow each other to be individuals and don’t try to micromanage the relationship.
Instead, we have confidence in each other’s abilities and know that our intentions for each other are good.
Learning and acknowledging that my boyfriend was not responsible for my happiness is what helped me truly find happiness outside of the relationship and bring it back in.