- To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
- In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
- Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
- Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
- Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
- A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
- To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
- (You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
- 1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
- 2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as "colour", "favour", "labour" and "neighbour." Likewise, you will learn to spell "doughnut" without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up "vocabulary").
- 3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let M*crosoft know on your behalf. The M*crosoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter "u" and the elimination of -ize.
- 4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
- 5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
- 6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
- 7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
- Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
- 8. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
- 9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
- 10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
- 11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
- 12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
- 13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyondyour borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
- 14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
- 15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
- 16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
- God Save the Queen!
- To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
EXP Realty 414-525-0563 - Brookfield, WI
WI Real Estate Agents - Luxury - Divorce
I am getting out my tea set, polishing the letter "U" on my keyboards for extra "U-SE"..and your Majesty...could you think about changing some of those crown jewels to CZ's so we could retire part of our national debt...? That economic stimulus nonsense didn't work so well....
Jun 27, 2008 11:55 PM
San Diego, CA
Behind the scenes making people look great.
Hehe
Actually I appreciate that stimulus, it came at a time when I could really use a little extra help. I just moved across the country and am currently looking for work. :)
Jun 28, 2008 12:03 AM
Coldwell Banker Realty - Davenport, FL
34 Years of Real Estate Experience .
Being from England orginally I can relate, After all these years of living here I still want to put the u in many words and do quite a bit only because it is habit, only to be told by some that I can't spell !!! Maybe it is they you cannot spell...God Save the Queen
Jun 28, 2008 12:04 AM
Charter 1 Real Estate, Hilton Head, Bluffton, SC - Hilton Head Island, SC
New Home Hunters of Fort Worth and Tarrant County - Fort Worth, TX
Fort Worth Real Estate
Diana: This is absolutely fabulous. Rarely do I read a post that I can honestly wish I had thought of first. This is one of them.
By the way... I think this idea would probably work much better than our current non-system of non-governance. And... being a former school teacher (althought that is really a contradiction in terms) I will be so glad to hear the English language in proper use again.
As far as colouring our spelling behaviours with the heretofore-unused "U"... I occasionally spell those words with the "U" anyway... so that will not be a problem.
So... Ms Queen... how can we really pull this thing off ? And... how nice it will be to have the Anglicans in charge of the church again. I have missed them. Take care... and thanks for a great post. You get my very own "gold star" and "feature." :)
Jun 28, 2008 12:11 AM
Full Circle Property Management - Columbus, OH
MBA, GRI...experience counts!
I am good with everything except the football. That sport you call football is boring and pointless.
Jun 28, 2008 12:13 AM
San Diego, CA
Behind the scenes making people look great.
Dennis I have to agree, I would be rather pissed if they took football from me.
Thank you Karen, I thought it was pretty good myself. :)
Alan, please continue using the u's in words all you want and tell the wankers to piss off if they don't like it here. hehe
Thanks for the post Diane, she looks lovely doesn't she?
I am one the few Americans who gets British humor and loves it, my man does not and it's kinda irritating that he doesn't but he'll be converted!
Jun 28, 2008 12:24 AM
New Home Hunters of Fort Worth and Tarrant County - Fort Worth, TX
Fort Worth Real Estate
Diana: As far as "converting" your man is concerned... if it doesn't work... and it probably will not, just remember... "A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle !"
By the way... how is your "assistant" business going ? I would be glad to make some suggestions if you like.
Jun 28, 2008 12:55 AM
Gaithersburg, MD
Certified Mortgage Planning Specialist
Enchanted! You mean I can now start using words like bonnett instead of hood, trousers instead of pants, trafficator instead of turn signal. Ya ba da ba dooooo!!!
Jun 28, 2008 01:00 AM
Steve Hoffacker LLC - West Palm Beach, FL
Certified Aging In Place Specialist-Instructor
Diana, how ever did you keep in character for the entire post. Good show (I think that's the expression). Not sure the Queen can do any better than Congress, but who really knows? This post is worthy of a star.
Jun 28, 2008 01:14 AM
Alpine Lakes Real Estate Inc., - Lincoln, NH
800-926-5653, White Mountains NH
Diane ,I have my vegetable peeler at the ready and will protect our northern boarder (with Canada) to the death (armed only with small kitchen utensils)..thank you Queen Mum what took you so long to save us from these crazy politicians we democratically elected.. God Save our Queen (and flamboyant Princess who no doubt will move to Hollywood and run rough shot over the starlets). Steve
Jun 28, 2008 01:17 AM
San Diego, CA
Behind the scenes making people look great.
Thanks Charlene, and bugger to hear you are a baseball fan. hehe I'm kidding! Sort of.
Karen, you're a riot! I have to admit I have not gone full force into the Assistant Per Project business but I have put some emails out with no response yet. I haven't given up but have been interviewing for other positions that come up as well. Perhaps it's time I jumped in with both feet with my idea. Thanks for the push. :)
Hans: Giddy Up! er I mean Tally Ho!
Steve: I didn't realize I was keeping in character really. lol Guess I'm a closet Brit.
Thanks to all who put a star/feature on this, my Mother comes through every now and then. lol
Steve: I hope that's an industrial peeler! BTW which flamboyant Princess are you referring to?
Jun 28, 2008 02:57 AM
Londeree's Real Estate & Property Management - Lynchburg, VA
From Lynchburg To The Lake (434) 546-0369
Diane, What an absolutely smashing post! I've been to England several times and love all things British.
AL U MIN I UM
Aug 13, 2008 10:15 AM
Baker Energy Audits and Commercial Properties Inspections - Claremont, NH
New Hampshire Relocation Real Estate Information
Howdy Diane
What a really funny post to read. Thank you kindly.
Thank your mom for me, for E-Mail en this to you.
Aug 13, 2008 01:44 PM
Rainer
15,820
15,820
Diana Dupre'
Behind the scenes making people look great.
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