Good afternoon!!
I believe in chasing your dreams…
Finding your passion. Going for it…
For far too many years, I did what I thought I was supposed to do…
I always got pretty good grades. Went to a good college…
I ran cross country and track. My whole family did, so I was just following in others footsteps…
I have been following footsteps for my whole life. Someone else’s footsteps…
Listening to too many opinions and too much advice…
So much so, that my mind was often a muddled mess…
I have always tried to be like someone else…
At first it was one of my older brothers. Then, it was the cool kids in high school…
For some reason, I never felt to cool doing that…
I felt awkward. Too nervous to talk to women, I didn’t really date until I got to college…
Of course I was nervous. I was pretending I was someone I was not…
I never thought I was good enough. Like the real me was something to hide. To be ashamed of…
After college, I became a stock broker. Just like both of my older brothers…
I did ok. I made pretty good money, which was the only way we defined ourselves in that business at that time…
I thought I was cool driving around in a fancy car, gambling lots of money, drinking too much, and chasing women…
Really a hedonistic lifestyle. All the while, with no money in the bank, and living paycheck (yes, a very large paycheck) to paycheck…
Using scripts. Words written by someone else. Again, pretending to be someone I was not…
And I hated it. Every day. Cold calling on the phone. Looking to land the next big whaie who would buy my next hot stock tip…
I was always looking for praise too. Praise from bosses. Praise from my family. Praise that never would come…
These feelings, never before able to discuss, lest I get buried by more advice, got bottled up inside…
Growing. The pressure increasing day by day. Year by year…
Until it got too much. I became anxious at first. Then depressed. Very depressed...
I felt like a bad actor trying to get a starring role. A role which I did not fit…
Someone else’s role. A role that I was never meant to play…
So I found ways to cope with the feelings I had inside. I drank. I smoked pot…
Always a bit of a rule follower, I would often feel guilty for what I was doing, and the life I was leading…
I thought I could be more. That I should be more…
If I could only figure out what that “more” would look like…
So here I sit. I am at a bar in Naperville. The Lantern. Drinking an ice cold water with two lemons. Watching the Bears play the Seahowks in a matchup of two fairly bad teams…
There is a nice atmosphere here. A solid crowd on a Sunday…
For most it is Sunday Funday…
For me? Time for self reflection. Time for thought…
Time for writing. I love writing. I really do…
I wish someone told me I was good at it when I was younger…
Encouraged me a bit. Told me I should “Go for it”.
To follow my dreams. To live the life I wanted…
So as I sit, here in this bar, typing away my thoughts on my keyboard…
I realize, heck, I am 53 years old…
And I am just getting started.
Ken
Comments(3)