Growing stronger, and facing the new year with optimism...

Good morning!!

I woke early this morning. Just a few minutes before 4 am…

I had gone to bed very early last night, so, despite the hour, I was well rested…

Today is New Years Day. It is 4:14 am, and the house is dark and quiet…

As I lay in my bed shortly after waking, I was in relative comfort, but my mind was active…

I was thinking of my day yesterday. New Years Eve. A very special day for me over the last 5 years, years which brought me a special new relationship with someone that I loved deeply…

I shared those days with her and her family. Very fond memories…

But yesterday, New Years Eve 2021, was different…

I didn’t feel like celebrating. I was struggling with emotions. With sadness…

Sadness for dreams that didn’t work out as I had planned…

So most of my day yesterday was spent reflecting on holidays’ past. Thinking of the good times with that special person. Remembering the excitement of those nights we had together…

And I knew this New Years Eve was going to be different. And I knew I wouldn’t feel like celebrating…

While I kept busy for most of the day, there was an emptiness in my heart. I knew I couldn’t be with the person I wanted to be with the very most…

It made me sad yesterday. It makes me sad as I type those words…

But sadness is ok. It isn’t a curse or a permanent state of being…

It is an emotion. An emotion that sometimes needs to be felt and experienced…

So I felt it. I wallowed in my sadness. I cried most of the evening, feeling alone, and certainly not feeling like celebrating…

I wasn’t alone, however. I had many friends in the house with me. They were celebrating, having fun, playing games, and laughing. They were doing what you are supposed to be doing on New Years Eve, as you count down the hours until midnight…

But again, my day was different. Hearing the laughter of my friends only made me feel out of place. For laughter wasn’t in my heart yesterday…

So as I passed the hours experiencing my feelings, healing just a bit with every tear that I shed…

I accepted where I was. I accepted the sadness. The tears. The feeling of loneliness…

And this morning, the very first day of the new year, I feel better…

For I had not denied my emotions. I did not fight those feelings, or try to cover them up in any way, and I let the tears flow…

For I realize, strong men cry too…

And my experiences over the last several months have made me stronger. I am a better person than I was just a few months ago…

I am sober. I am realizing who I really am. My strengths, and my weaknesses…

I am facing the challenges as learning experiences. As temporary things. As opportunities for growth…

So today, on this first day of this new year, New Years Day, 2022…

I am optimistic, and I am excited…

I am ready to get started. To continue the work I have done over the last several months. To learn more about myself. To improve…

To get better every day.

To be the man I was meant to be…

Ken