I have been summoned from my repose among the Undead by the required three mentions in blog post comments within a week, and am henceforth compelled to manifest this episode of the Grab Bag for your entertainment. To fulfill this compulsion, I have turned to my old standby Twitter, a once-trusted resource whose continued availability is as questionable as my own sense of humor.
Please enjoy these tweets responsibly.
Picked up a hitchhiker today. He seemed like a nice guy. After a while though, he asked me if I wasn't afraid that he might be a serial killer. I told him that the odds that two unrelated serial killers were in the same car at the same time were astronomical. - @soonergrunt
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this: ‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’ - @OwensDamien
If you try to rob a Waffle House they will hire you on the spot - @Ygrene
fred flintstone: I've got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let's take a look
“I want to pay my bill online and it says, ‘an expected error occurred.’ Did you mean ‘unexpected’?”
“No, we know about it.”
“So you’ll fix it?”
“The bill is due today.”
“Then you better get on that.”
“Don’t you want the money?”
“Not if we can repossess your house.”
Had a Craftsman wrench with a lifetime warranty break, so I called Sears and they sent a hitman.
we may never be able to affect change or make anything better but once every like fifteen years someone slips through and hits a billionaire or a politician with a pie and thats pretty good.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve's Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
I hate when people ask me if my baby is a “good baby” like no he bets on illegal dog races and stabbed a kid at the playground - @mommeh_dearest
well YES I did throw garbage across the living room but I also purchased a “garbage offset” from some guy on the street so technically the living room is clean right now. I’m sorry you don’t understand science - @nedwards
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end. - @ChrisHallbeck
Doctor: I've made the appointment to remove the tapeworm
Me: I never asked for that
Doctor: he did
Tapeworm: I can't eat any more cheese
[ first time cannibal ]
me: the shirt’s a little chewy
him: you’re supposed to peel them, you absolute buffoon
"We'll use it to carry water and maybe, someday, chicken." - inventor of the bucket
ghost of christmas present: wake up
jeff bezos: huh wh-what is this
ghost of christmas present: where’s the ant farm i ordered for my nephew
crazy to look at a map and see how perfectly all the states fit together. no gaps between them or anything. nature is amazing - @InternetHippo
YOU WILL NEVER BE A BILLIONAIRE BUT THERE'S STILL TIME TO SEE WHAT THEY TASTE LIKE
Me in the shower: I have to leave this pre-conditioning moss and fig hair mask in for 15 minutes, which is perfect because I can simultaneously do my pink Himalayan salt foot soak!
Boyfriend in the shower: nice, this face wash is also dog shampoo
Happy Halloween!! Miss you guys!! - @DickGreenberg
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