The best things in life will either make you fat, drunk, or pregnant.
Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.
I swear if my memory was any worse, I could plan my own surprise party!
I wish everything were as easy as getting fat.
I'll call it a smartphone the day I yell "Where's my phone?" and it yells "Down here in the couch cushions!"
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains gives hope to many people.
Common sense is like deodorant, the people who need it most never use it.
To be old and wise you first must be young and stupid.
So it turns out that being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks what you like to do for fun.
If you don't do a lot of stupid things when you're young you won't have funny things to talk about when you're old.