If someone throws a stone at you throw a flower at them.... Just remember to throw the flower pot with it.

People who ask me what I am doing tomorrow probably assume that I even know what day of the week it is.

You give my middle finger an erection.

Always have a teenager in the house... that way there is always someone there who knows everything.

Old age comes at a bad time! When you finally know everything, you start to forget everything you know.

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened.

I get most of my exercise these days by shaking my head in disbelief.

People say that love is the best feeling, but I think finding a toilet when you are having diarrhea is better.

Have you ever noticed that the people who tell you to calm down are the ones that pissed you off in the first place?

It's okay if you disagree with me. I can't force you to be right.

To all those people that make me laugh and smile: I couldn't live without you.