And we've probably said it multiple times today.
According to therapists, "shoulding" ourselves — or saying that we should do this and should do that — can lead to guilt and shame. If we’ve ever uttered sentences like “I should really spend some time cleaning,” “I should just get over this already” or “I should work on my presentation,” we may be “shoulding” ourselves.
“Shoulding yourself is a cognitive distortion, and ... so many of us often engage in it,” said Carrie Howard, a licensed clinical social worker and anxiety coach said in a recent article.
“I shouldn’t eat that cake” and “I should have responded differently in the situation” are two examples of this, said Howard, noting that it can also involve words like “must,” “ought to” and “have to.”
“It’s basically a sort of automatic thought or statement that you might use on yourself that creates this sense of obligation that hasn’t been mindfully or rationally weighed out by factual information,” she said.
It’s noted that while there are certainly things that we should do, not every task or action needs to fall into this category. These kinds of “should” statements can add a sense of obligation or shame to the equation, Howard noted.
This is often damaging, since feelings of guilt can immobilize people or lead to procrastination instead of healthy action, she added. We’re asked if we ever told ourself that we should finish some project when we don’t feel like it, only to pick up our phone and scroll through social media instead? We’re advised that this can create a cycle of feeling bad about ourselves.
In addition, “shoulding” ourselves can be a sign that we’re disconnected from our likes and dislikes, according to Meghan Watson, the founder and clinical director of Bloom Psychology & Wellness in Toronto.
“There are elements that are rooted in uncertainty, there are elements that are rooted in confusion, detachment [and] disconnection from self — like, ‘what should I do?’” Watson said.
The article points out that some people find it hard to separate what they truly want from what they’re told to want by external influences and societal pressures. These influences might come from our family, culture, friendships or role as a caregiver, parent or partner.
For example, if outside forces make us feel the need to be perfect all the time, we’ll be carrying around huge amounts of pressure with every decision. Or, if we tell ourselves to just get over a disagreement with a friend, we’ll rob ourselves of the time we need to move forward. Eventually, we’ll feel governed by the shame and guilt that accompanies these “should” statements, Watson said.
“Every time that we automatically jump to “shoulding” ourselves, we bypass the important process of really checking in with ourselves, learning to trust ourselves to make the best decision, and being able to mindfully weigh out how the potential decision does or doesn’t align with our goals, values and desires,” Howard explained.
Telling ourselves that we "should" do something can be harmful the article states. To put the power back in our hands, it’s suggested to try replacing that word with "want to" or "choose to."
We’re tolf this doesn’t mean we need to totally erase “should” statements from our vocabulary. But being aware of our obligations and responsibilities is different from mindlessly giving in to something that we feel we should do.
“There are times when there are legitimate expectations and obligations that we have in life, and there are times when it’s wise to do something that we don’t feel like doing,” Howard said. As an example, maybe we don’t feel like going for a walk, but we know it will benefit our physical and mental health.
“The difference here is this: “Shoulding” yourself is an automatic process that doesn’t have mindful reason attached to it,” Howard said, emphasizing that this is what leads to a sense of guilt. Instead, we can mindfully weigh and understand our obligations and expectations, she explained.
“Stating the facts around the situation, weighing the costs and benefits of our decision, and deciding whether or not the decision aligns with our goals and values are ways that we can mindfully navigate our responsibilities and true obligations,” she said.
Watson said there are positive “shoulds” in life too, like “should I take this job?” or “should I respond in this way?” “The actual word ‘should’ really invites the question of, is this where I want to go? Is this who I want to be?” she said.
These are big questions, but it’s easier to answer positive “shoulds” (and avoid negative ones) when we rid ourselves of toxic narratives and focus on your beliefs and values, Watson said.
How To Stop “Shoulding” Ourselves
Using mindfulness is one way to push back against any “shoulding” you do, said Howard. “Because “shoulding” yourself is such an automatic habit, we can really begin to combat this by taking the process off of autopilot,” she explained.
Take note when you hear yourself say or think words like “should” and “have to,” she suggested. “Challenge the assumption that you ‘should’ be doing this,” said Howard. “Are you basing this on facts, or on feeling? Are there any underlying fears attached to your ‘should’ statement?”
We’re further reminded to ask ourselves: What are we afraid will happen if we don’t go along with our “should”? What are the benefits or consequences of our choice, and does it align with our goals and values?
“By asking yourself some of these questions with curiosity, you begin to mindfully weigh a decision instead of automatically getting hijacked by the unchecked ‘should,’” Howard said. It can also be useful to replace the word “should” with something else. One option is the phrase “choose to,” Howard said.
“This is another way you can mindfully notice that as an adult, you have the agency to weigh a decision and choose the best thing for you,” she noted. So rather than saying “I should do my homework,” you might say “I choose to do my homework because it aligns with my educational goals,” Howard explained.
Unlike the inadequacy and shame that accompany “should” statements, the word “choose” can inspire “meaningful action, motivation, a sense of agency or accomplishment,” Howard said.
Watson suggested using “want to” or “need to” as other replacements for “should.” Then, “you can really ... start to think about those decisions in a more constructive way,” she said. “Instead of ‘should,’ maybe there’s a want or a desire there, or there’s a need. And I think people have a better conceptualization of ‘is this something I want versus need?’”
The article stresses that since resorting to “should” statements is often habitual, this change may not be easy. “Give yourself room to be a work in progress when it comes to dealing with this “shoulding” mentality,” Watson said.
The aim is that by removing the pressure of “should,” we’ll be better prepared to do what we truly want to do and the things that align with our goals and values.
Courtesy Jillian Wilson, HuffPost
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