People-pleasing behaviors aren't necessarily helpful — for us or for the other person, according to a recent article.
People-Pleasing
We’re asked whether we feel anxious at the idea of making someone unhappy by not doing what they want? Maybe we push your preferences to the side and say “yes” to everything to avoid conflict? These are signs of people-pleasing.
People-pleasing behaviors aren't necessarily helpful — for you or for the other person. Do we find ourselves saying yes to everything? Maybe we worry that if we say no, the other person will be mad at us, or we’ll have FOMO later. Or more generally, we might feel like we’re walking on a tightrope all the time, trying to be “good enough.”
While these feelings may play out as competence and hard work — good qualities — they can indicate the presence of anxiety. It’s important to know that’s not a bad thing, but it can be unhelpful.
People-Pleasing
Do we feel anxious at the idea of making someone unhappy by not doing what they want? Maybe we push our preferences to the side and say “yes” to everything to avoid conflict? These are signs of people-pleasing, according to a recent article.
“This is especially true when we find ourselves engaging in behaviors to avoid sitting with the discomfort of anxiety,” said Ernesto Lira de la Rosa, a psychologist and the media adviser for the Hope for Depression Research Foundation.
While it’s only natural to try to avoid anxiety — or any uncomfortable emotion — stress that’s not dealt with can lead to health problems, harmful coping strategies and more.
“They go out of their way to make others happy, even at the expense of their own needs, because they fear that saying ‘no’ or disappointing others will result in disapproval, loss of relationships or other negative outcomes,” Lira de la Rosa explained. “This can be a manifestation of social anxiety and fear of not being accepted.”
What to try instead: While it may feel scary, it’s suggested we push ourselves to set healthy boundaries, stick to our values and say “no,” Lira de la Rosa encouraged. We have to take care of ourselves.
Baby steps can help us get there the article states. It’s proposed that people “gradually experiment with small instances of assertiveness and notice that relationships often improve when you are honest about your own needs.”
For example, we might tell our parents that we’re uninterested in talking about our appearance and find that they respect that, opting for more meaningful questions at family dinners.
Having High Levels Of Empathy
The article notes that empathy — or understanding and sharing someone’s feelings — is a beautiful thing and an important part of relationships.
At the same time, it has “cons,” so to speak, especially at extreme levels. It can contribute to people-pleasing and feeling hopeless, to name a couple of effects (aka, one reason why “doomscrolling” is not a good idea).
So, we’re advised to consider trying to be more aware of when we’re falling into that trap. Ahead, check out some of the signals. Do they hit home?
Staying Calm In A Crisis
A soothing voice and calm demeanor can be beneficial in crisis situations, like when a kid gets hurt or there’s a PR issue at work. The concern lies in what may have contributed to the person responding that way.
“Those who are more used to the stress of anxiety tend to react to crisis and extreme stress more effectively because their brains are acclimated to these high-stress states,” explained Amelia Kelley, a trauma-informed therapist, podcaster, researcher and author of “Surviving Suicidal Ideation: From Therapy to Spirituality and the Lived Experience.”
“Something to be mindful of with this, however, and a coping skill to adopt, is that all bodies will hit a point of burnout, and with someone with high anxiety, they may not realize there is an issue until they are experiencing extreme reactions and even medical issues and inflammation,” Kelley explained.
What to try instead: Simply put, we’re asked to give ourselves breaks — especially after highly stressful moments — instead of trying to power through without breaking a sweat.
Kelley said high levels of empathy are associated with higher levels of inflammation and can contribute to social anxiety, as well.
What to try instead: Again, healthy boundaries and self-compassion are important. More specifically, Kelley suggested meditation and positive self-talk.
“This can help translate extreme empathy responses to compassion for others, which has a positive impact on our well-being,” she explained.
Hyper-responsibility
Feel the urge to be in charge of everything so it gets done (and gets done right)? Maybe we’re the “mom friend” when we and our friends go out, or we feel like everyone’s well-being is on our shoulders, or we hate having to rely on others during group projects.
If so, we may be taking “hyper-responsibility.” While this can feel helpful, it can also put undue stress on us.
“Taking on too much responsibility can come from a need to feel in control of uncertain situations or to prevent potential problems,” Lira de la Rosa said. “This may stem from anxiety about the future or a fear of being blamed if things go wrong.”
These individuals may take on tasks that aren’t theirs, he continued, believing it will prevent negative outcomes.
What to try instead: Two keywords: delegate (to others) and challenge (yourself).
“Learn to delegate and trust others to manage their own responsibilities,” Lira de la Rosa said, adding that not everything is within our control or can be made perfect. “Challenge the thought patterns driving the need to over-control by considering the actual likelihood of worst-case scenarios happening.”
Lira de la Rosa stressed that he wants to validate what people are experiencing while also acknowledging the harm. “Anxiety is a normal, human emotion and can help us achieve, but it can also be detrimental to our overall well-being,” he said.
The main takeaway here: Take care of ourselves in these anxiety-ridden moments, setting boundaries and giving ourselves compassion. Our minds and bodies deserve it!
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