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The "Cringe Attack" Experience

By
Real Estate Agent with Century 21 Select BRE#00911224

Do you experience "cringe attacks'? My answer to this question posed in a recent article is definitely and emphatically “yes”!

The author notes that if we’re a human living on this planet, we’ve likely experienced a full-body shiver when remembering an embarrassing thing we did. We’ve probably even uttered the phrase “why did I say that?” many months after an awkward interaction.

The article clarifies that on social media and online, this experience is sometimes referred to as a “cringe attack,” which can be described as the “intense physical or emotional experience related to a past memory that causes feelings of embarrassment, distress, shame or social anxiety,” according to Zoe Kinsey, a licensed mental health counselor at Self Space in Washington state. These uncomfortable memories often occur in social, familial or romantic situations.

The article further notes that so-called cringe attacks catch us off guard, says Danica Harris, a somatic therapist and coach based in Texas. For example, Harris suggests that an embarrassing text we sent three years ago probably popped into our heads seemingly out of nowhere. But while it might seem random, it actually was tied to internal or external factors.

When experiencing a cringe attack, Harris said our brains may think it’s saving us from having another shame-inducing moment ― but it’s not. The article states that we don’t need to drag ourselves through the mud remembering that one uncomfortable thing we said. But the author points out, that’s easier said than done. Here’s why:

We tend to hyper-fixate on the ‘wrongs’ because they threaten our sense of social safety.

Cringe attacks are a totally normal human experience for many reasons, according to experts.

It starts with our negativity bias. “We get really hyper-focused on things we mess up on, and then we lose perspective on all the things we do right,” Harris said. For instance, we can probably remember every single detail of that one awkward interaction with our boss but probably can’t remember the details of the dozens of positive interactions that have happened since.

“I think so many of us, maybe even most of us, are pretty afraid of our full humanity showing, both because we’re worried about judgment, but also it’s that vulnerability piece ... if I let my humanity show, does that mean that someone will take advantage of me or someone will judge me?” Harris said.

People just want to feel accepted and like they belong, Harris added. “So these moments where we make ‘mess ups’ or ‘mistakes,’ they’re a threat to our acceptance, or so we believe they are. They may not actually be a threat,” she continued.

“According to the social safety theory, we are naturally social creatures and pack animals at the end of the day,” said Kinsey, adding that this is true whether you’re an introvert or extrovert. “Quite a bit of our socially-based anxiety can come from a perceived threat to this social safety system, [which] provides social connectedness and helps to meet our basic human needs. Our brains will remember instances where it felt like the system was being jeopardized.”

The article proposes that we think about this: If we have an uncomfortable interaction with a loved one, our mind could easily race to the worst-case scenario, like this interaction means the end of our friendship.

Cringe attacks may be most common among perfectionists, people-pleasers and those who are highly critical.

“I think this is probably something that particularly affects perfectionists or people who have grown up believing they have to get it all right or can’t be seen in negative light by anyone, because that’s detrimental to [their] sense of safety, sense of autonomy, sense of self,” Harris said.

The same goes for people-pleasers who believe they have to be “good” to stay safe, she added. “And if you do something that you’re viewing as ‘wrong,’ then your safety is in danger. People’s perception of you is in danger. And maybe most importantly, your own perception of you is in danger,” Harris said.

The article notes that for people with a good sense of self and a functional ego, cringe attacks may be pretty rare. “But if you’re someone who is really hard on yourself, incredibly self-critical, if you view yourself as someone who’s highly flawed, messing up all the time, I think that negativity bias is going to be even stronger,” Harris said. “And so you’re probably more prone to revisiting these cringe attacks.

We’re reminded that rehashing that embarrassing text message we sent to our friend isn't going to make us feel better.

There are ways to deal with cringe attacks when they pop up.

It’s normal to want to push uncomfortable memories away, but it’s not the best way to move forward according to the article. When we try to push something out of our heads, it actually keeps it in our minds. “We can’t actually release something until we look at it, hold it, tend to it and then come to a new conclusion,” Harris said.

We’re advised that it’s better to acknowledge that something made us feel temporarily embarrassed while also acknowledging that it didn’t affect us or our relationships long-term, she added.

During this moment, we can acknowledge that this awkward situation happened back then while reminding ourselves that it was the past and that this is the present, Harris explained. This allows us to move forward.

“Most people, when they feel embarrassed, they want to tuck it away, hide it, put it in the darkness somewhere, which then just keeps it in the negativity loop in the mind and in the body,” Harris said. Then, when a perceived mess-up happens again, your mind immediately goes back to the cringey moments in your past.

“What’s most helpful is probably just acknowledging, ‘I’m human. I mess up. Everyone messes up. We’re allowed to make mistakes,’” Harris said.

Additionally, the article says, it might help to remember that people don’t care as much as we think. “I like to remind my clients that a lot of the time, no one takes the things we do more personally than ourselves. In other words, we are our own worst critic,” Kinsey said. “We are always operating from our own perspective, based on our own unique experiences, and so is everyone else. Most likely, the memories you have might not look the same to someone else as they do for you. And better yet, the other people involved might not have noticed the embarrassing behavior.”

Cringe attacks shouldn’t take over our whole day, though they should be moments of discomfort. If they are debilitating, something else may be at play. If you are holding on to a lot of shame that’s causing these cringe attacks, working with a therapist is also going to be helpful, Harris said. “Shame is so much deeper. And I think in my experience, what I’ve noticed is that it is incredibly hard for people to eradicate shame on their own because it becomes so fused with their identity and their sense of self.”

Kinsey added, “There is a big difference between experiencing a cringe attack and experiencing something like an intrusive thought, excessive rumination, a PTSD flashback, an anxiety attack or a panic attack. Cringe attacks shouldn’t be causing enough distress to be putting a damper on your whole day or week. If you are experiencing frequent distress, it may be worth seeing if something more is happening.”

OK, so it isn’t unusual to feel embarrassment or shame at some unkind action and/or something we said or did in the past. When memories of those experiences come up we should try our best to remember that we’re all human and make mistakes. Basically we need to stop beating ourselves up and move on. And if we are unable to do that, it may be necessary to seek professional help.

Courtesy Jillian Wilson

Posted by

Victoria Craig

Show All Comments Sort:
Dennis Neal
Exp Realty of Southern California, Inc. - Big Bear Lake, CA
Your Home Sold in 21 Days or We Sell It For Free

Victoria, this is such a relatable and thought-provoking post! Your reflections on the human experience of "cringe attacks" are both compassionate and insightful. Thank you for sharing this reminder to embrace our humanity and let go of self-criticism—we all need to hear it!

Jan 01, 2025 04:01 PM
Victoria Craig
Century 21 Select - Oregon House, CA
Keeping the "Real" in Real Estate!

Happy to hear you found this post to be helpful. Guess that's one indication I'm a "people pleaser" and always concerned I'll say, do or post something wrong!

Jan 01, 2025 04:28 PM
Dorie Dillard Austin TX
Coldwell Banker Realty ~ 512.750.6899 - Austin, TX
NW Austin ~ Canyon Creek and Spicewood/Balcones

Good evening Victoria Craig ,

I've never heard "cringe attack" before but it's a great phrase for what every one of have experienced! Letting go of self-criticism is so important! We usually want to be a people pleaser but can't take it so seriously!

Jan 01, 2025 05:29 PM
Victoria Craig

Thanks for your comment. I also hadn't heard the term "cringe attack" but was certainly familiar with the experience. As you indicate, balance is the key. My aim is to try to remember that these uncomfortable memories can be used as learning tools. 

Jan 01, 2025 06:35 PM
Bill Salvatore - East Valley
Arizona Elite Properties - Chandler, AZ
Realtor - 602-999-0952 / em: golfArizona@cox.net

Thanks for sharing, make it a great Thursday and enjoy your upcoming weekend!

Bill Salvatore, Realtor- Arizona Elite Properties

Jan 02, 2025 01:42 AM
Victoria Craig

Thanks for reading - and same to you!

Jan 02, 2025 01:47 PM
Richard Weeks
Dallas, TX
REALTOR®, Broker
Great information, thanks for sharing.  I hope you have a great day.
Jan 02, 2025 03:20 AM
Victoria Craig

Thank you for reading, hope you found something useful.

Jan 02, 2025 01:48 PM
Wayne Martin
Wayne M Martin - Oswego, IL
Real Estate Broker - Retired

Good morning Victoria. I am a big fan of the saying "before you put you mouthing drive, take your brain out of park"! It won't eliminate "cringe attacks" but serve to counter down the number. Enjoy your day

Jan 02, 2025 04:27 AM
Victoria Craig

Good advice! Thanks!

Jan 02, 2025 01:49 PM
Michael Jacobs
Pasadena, CA
Pasadena And Southern California 818.516.4393

Hello and Happy 2025, Victoria - when it comes to anything social media related, "cringe" may take on additional emphasis.  But cringe-like experiences may have a long history which are heightened by more awareness of what is happening at many levels.  It's a complicated subject.  

Jan 02, 2025 05:28 AM
Victoria Craig

I agree. Social media dominates our daily lives. Guess all we can do is make sure we are paying attention and are present to our surroundings before we respond.

Jan 02, 2025 01:52 PM